Leo You Nutter Parts I & II

A response to A Winter’s Tale, in particular to the mad jealousy of Leontes, King of Sicily, who believes wrongly that Queen Hermione his wife had become pregnant by another man. Leontes sends Hermione to prison and when Perdita, her child, is born, orders it to be abandoned. His son also dies of a wasting disease. As a result of all the distress Hermione dies. For sixteen years Leontes mourns the loss of his wife and son. Eventually Perdita is reunited with Leontes and what was thought to be a statue of his wife miraculously turns into Hermione. (As if).

The play was performed twice but the performances, while drawn from the same selection of scenes, were compiled quite differently.

This note prefaced the script given to the designers:
Leo You Nutter Parts I & II in Any Order
a couplet of playlets by David Gale with lots (40) of short scenes
the scenes are numbered but only so they can be referred to
they might not be actually played in numerical order
it would be interesting to play them in any order
you’d experiment with different orders
some will be better than others
it would also be interesting for one group of people to choose half the scenes
for one playlet
and another group to choose half as well
for another playlet
without the others knowing what had been chosen
so they might choose the same or very different scenes
the scenes could be played in certain moods
not just any moods but moods drawn from this list:
1. slow 2. dreamy 3. light and bouncy 4. menacing 5. sad 6. fast
these moods can be enhanced with lights and music
we can have a list of lighting states and a list of music
and use them in various ways
it would not be wrong to do some scenes twice, for example
any scenes that are left over we will perform in a third show designed by everybody
and what about the places – where the scenes are set?

CHARACTERS:
LEO
ANGELA his wife
GRACE his daughter and sometimes Angela when she was a girl
TOMMY Leo’s son and sometimes Leo’s friend’s son and sometimes Leo when he was a boy

1.
LEO You’re so like your mother.
GRACE I can’t remember her. She was pretty. Distant.
LEO Pretty distant?
GRACE Pretty. Distant.
LEO I haven’t seen her in a while.
GRACE Nor I.
LEO There was a row or something.

2.
ANGELA Then your father said “Don’t fucking look at me.” Yes, he actually swore at me, his actual wife. I only use the words because he did.
GRACE That’s alright.
ANGELA No, but to say “fuck” and everything.
GRACE It’s okay. You know. I have heard the word.
ANGELA Yes, but “fuck”.
GRACE That’s what he said. You said.
ANGELA Yes, but “fuck”.
GRACE We know he was a cunt.
ANGELA Yes.
GRACE So. He had no respect.
ANGELA He really didn’t.

3.
GRACE I’ll see my Dad. I’ll see my Dad. I’ll see my Dad. (REPEAT UNTIL NOT EFFECTIVE)

4.
ANGELA AND GRACE AND TOMMY ARE STANDING DULLY. THEY MOVE
TOWARDS EACH OTHER AND START TO DANCE A DANCE THAT WOULD BE
JOLLY IF THEY DID NOT WEAR THE EXPRESSIONS OF ZOMBIES.

5.
ANGELA Darling! How long has it been?
LEO Sixteen years, believe it or not.
ANGELA How have you been?
LEO Oh, you know.
ANGELA How have I been?
LEO Yes. Next thing I was going to say.
ANGELA Terrific!
LEO Really?
ANGELA God yes! Oh yes! It’s just good to get away for a bit sometimes.
LEO I’m sorry for, you know, throwing you out.
ANGELA Leo! Darling! You’re a very sensitive man! I know that! We all know it! You have a lot on your mind – great thoughts and marvellous ideas, not to mention all the lesser people you have to worry about such as ordinary unexceptional people that can’t pull their weight like you can. Is it any wonder you sent me to prison for a bit then I had to live behind a curtain.
LEO Is that where you were? Behind a curtain?
ANGELA In more ways than one, you nutter! One way being literal, as in after the suicide of our beloved son…
LEO I really regret that, by the way.
ANGELA No, it was sad. But after that I sat behind this curtain until you came along again.
LEO What about food?
ANGELA Well, I was in a vegetative state for a lot of the time.
LEO Not eating much?
ANGELA They managed to get liquids down me.
LEO Where’s the fun in that?
ANGELA Well, exactly.
LEO What about the other way?
ANGELA What other way?
LEO That you were behind a curtain.
ANGELA Oh! Mentally, mentally! In the sense that after you threw me out and our son committed suicide and our daughter was sent to be disposed of I retreated into myself.
LEO Right. No – who wouldn’t? That was bad of me, it really was.
ANGELA You were terribly busy!
LEO It’s true. I was.

6.
LEO You were something.
ANGELA Oh…
LEO You are something.
ANGELA It was out of a book. That’s where I got it. It wasn’t just me.
LEO Who was it by?
ANGELA Some guy. Maybe it was some woman.
LEO You don’t recall?
ANGELA I don’t recall.
LEO Try to recall.
ANGELA Who it was by?
LEO Not who. Not at first. Just was it a guy or maybe was it a woman?
ANGELA I’ll try to recall.

7.
TOMMY Now that I’ve started shaving I can foresee a wife whose smile is quizzical, amused yet knowing. Whose breast is available and who sticks together through thick and thin and sickness and health and deep and crisp and even.
ANGELA Even what, Leo?
TOMMY Even though at the end of the day she will piss on you if your back is turned, Mummy.
ANGELA Never turn your back, Leo. Never turn it.

8.
GRACE Brought up on a beach by bums. Nice people, don’t get me wrong. Good with animals. I learned to make fire by rubbing water together. If I saw a plump cock I learned to shout so loud it would fall out of the sky. Huts, shelters, lean-tos, bivouacs, benders – easy peasy.
LEO No, that’s great. I kind of assumed you’d be alright.
GRACE You thought I was dead, Dad.
LEO Yeah. No. Yeah. Kind of.
GRACE Something of a downer, actually.
LEO Still.
GRACE What?
LEO Well…

9.
ANGELA I bloody love it. I can’t get enough. I’m standing below him. You know. I don’t care. People would think I care. They’re so wrong. Don’t listen to women. They, I don’t know, they have an axe to grind. I bloody love it. So I was away for a while. In another country. It was nice enough. Cheap drinks. Bring it on. The pity I don’t need. So I was alone – so I haven’t got an inner life? How dare you!
LEO I’m just getting a boner here! Just listening! Aren’t you the one!

10.
LEO I saw this guy and he wasn’t looking at me and I thought “Wait a minute. What is this? This isn’t right.” So I keep looking and yeah, sure enough, he has something to hide. Don’t ask me how I know. I have this skill. I’ve always had it. So then you come in and immediately he changes. He hasn’t even seen you. So it seems. So the whole way he moves. What he does. It’s so clear. Who does he think I am? It’s insulting. What is he? Who am I? What is his view of me? Am I a worm in his eye? His view. Is that it? Is he standing above me now? Is that it? And you’re in the room. And he hasn’t seen you. I don’t think! I don’t think! And I hold his hand and I walk with him to you. Yes, I lead him there! And it’s so clear! In my mind!
ANGELA There must be a reasonable explanation for this.

11.
TOMMY Hi Dad.
LEO Tommy! Fuck, I thought you were dead!
TOMMY Not any more.
LEO That’s fantastic!
TOMMY Yeah.
LEO So what…
TOMMY Happened?
LEO Yeah.
TOMMY It was a big mix-up. My heart stopped beating and everything after I hung myself but they found that if they pushed quite hard on my neck the broken bits would click together and that got my heart going again.
LEO They’re so good, aren’t they? That’s amazing! But where were you?
TOMMY Oh – I was paralysed. I couldn’t fuck, shit, piss or walk for several years.
LEO It’s great you’re back.
TOMMY It’s nice.

12.
ANGELA Hello darling.
GRACE Hello Daddy.
LEO Don’t hello. Don’t greet.
ANGELA What..?
LEO I saw you.
GRACE What, Dad?
LEO Looking at your brother’s dick.
GRACE What!?
LEO Hungrily looking at your brother’s bulge. Just like your mother.
ANGELA What!?
LEO Don’t be coy, Angela. This morning you kissed him.
ANGELA He’s my son.
LEO Are you sure? I don’t recall the penetrative sexual intercourse that would necessarily precede such an outcome.
ANGELA Words fail me, Leo.
LEO That makes a fucking change.

13.
TOMMY Are you my father or anything?
LEO We’re certainly alike in some ways.
TOMMY I recall someone saying “Here’s a map and some sandwiches now fuck off.” Was that you?
LEO Could have been. How far did you get?
TOMMY The map that I got, the place where we were wasn’t actually on it.
LEO Was it near it?
TOMMY How would you know? How would you know what’s off the map? Especially when you don’t know where you are to begin with.
LEO You’d need another map. One that was next to the first one.
TOMMY That’s if you’re lucky. The person that gave me the map gave me one that was hundreds of miles from where I was.
LEO How did you know where you were? In the first place.
TOMMY This is it. I didn’t. I used trial and error.

14.
GRACE Do you have a birthmark?
TOMMY I don’t have any that I can see.
GRACE Which doesn’t mean that there aren’t any.
TOMMY Absolutely. There might be one on my back.
GRACE But somebody would have told you.
TOMMY No. I like to be covered.
GRACE Always?
TOMMY Who would you show it to? Why would you do it? For entertainment?
GRACE Maybe your father has a birthmark and it matches your one.
TOMMY Which we don’t know if I’ve got.
GRACE Because no one will ever tell you.
TOMMY No one will ever know.

15.
LEO What have I done? I’m such a dick. I’m such a cunt. I’m such a fucking dick. I’m such a fucking cunt. I had it all. And I threw it all away. Yes, I threw it all away. I’d blind myself if I didn’t think I’d bump into shit.
PAUSE
Yeah. Woe is me.
PAUSE
Yeah. How big an arse I am.
PAUSE
Yeah. A billy. A silly billy, to be frank.
PAUSE
Yeah. I am, to be frank, a man who couldn’t find his arse in the dark.
PAUSE
Yeah. What a Headstrong Harry I am, to be sure.

16.
TOMMY Now that I’m wanking off quite a bit I foresee a time when I have a woman, right, who is in need of deep help and I’m the one.
GRACE To what?
TOMMY What?
GRACE You’re the one. To do what?
TOMMY To answer her biggest dreams.
GRACE Such as?
TOMMY To have this man who she deeply trusts and can see everything she is like and be wise for her.
GRACE Yuk.
TOMMY What?
GRACE Nothing. Keep wanking.

17.
ANGELA You kind of die. You kind of, it’s like your arms and legs drop off. You can go for long periods without food and drink. You don’t need to move your face? Why would you bother? Who’s looking? You can relax.

18.
GRACE Mummy! Hello! It’s Grace! Grace! Why don’t you… Are you asleep? Mum? (SHE HUGS ANGELA) Mummy? Why aren’t you in? Where have you gone? Can you hear me?
ANGELA Hello Chucky. Hello Missis. Hello Madam.

19.
LEO Who are you fucking looking at?
GRACE I wasn’t.
ANGELA She wasn’t.
LEO Of course she fucking was. How can she not be looking? Everyone is always looking.
ANGELA In that sense, yes.
LEO (TO TOMMY) Do you think I’m a cunt?
TOMMY HANGS HIS HEAD.
PAUSE.
I said: Do you think I’m a cunt?
TOMMY DOES NOT SPEAK
It’s gone very quiet.
PAUSE
You fucking little shit. Take your trousers down.
ANGELA Leo…
LEO Fuck OFF! (TURNING TO ADDRESS TOMMY) Stand up!
TOMMY LOOKS AT HIS MOTHER
ANGELA Leo…
LEO Shut-the-fuck-up.
(GRACE STARTS TO CRY)
(TO GRACE) Are you sad? Did something sad happen? Just now? Did it? It fucking will! (TURNING TO ADDRESS TOMMY) Didn’t I speak to you recently? Huh? Didn’t I fucking make a request? Oh yes! It came back to me. We’ll do it in stages. Each stage perfectly clear. Stand up. Don’t make me ask again. It makes me think my son is retarded, which is a fucking insult. Stand up.
(TOMMY STANDS UP)
Stand on the chair.
(TOMMY STANDS ON THE CHAIR)
Take your fucking trousers down.
(TOMMY TAKES HIS TROUSERS DOWN)
And your fucking pants.
(TOMMY TAKES HIS PANTS DOWN)
That’s not a dick! That is not a dick. That is something I expect to see under a rock. That is a maggot. It belongs in dead meat. Don’t ever show me that disgusting fucking maggot again! Who do you think I am?
(TOMMY DOES NOT ANSWER)
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
TOMMY You’re my Dad.
LEO Don’t ever get your dick out again in front of your father! It’s disgusting. What is it? Say it! ‘My dick is…’
TOMMY My dick is disgusting.
LEO It is. It fucking is.

20.
GRACE Dad, you’re a mentalist.
LEO I am. I’m a nutter.
TOMMY You are. You’re bonkers.
LEO I am. I’m a bit doolally.
ANGELA You are. You’re round the twist.
LEO That’s me. I’m sociopathic.

21.
ANGELA More water, darling?
TOMMY Yes, please, Mummy. I love it. And I love the way you pour it.
ANGELA It’s just a pouring action, sweetheart. It’s nothing special.
GRACE He just loves to watch you doing it, Mummy. As do I.
ANGELA I could teach you to pour, Tommy.
TOMMY I would happily learn, Mother, but it would never replace for me the pleasure of the grace of your turning forearm and your rising elbow.
ANGELA That’s lovely, Tommy.
GRACE He loves his mother.
TOMMY I do. I may have started shaving and and I do masturbate frequently but my mother, that’s you, Mummy, is the premier woman in my life.
ANGELA
& GRACE Lovely!

22.
GRACE Daddy?
LEO Yes, Little Miss Poppet.
GRACE I’m your little girl.
LEO You certainly are, Miss Cutington Pie.
GRACE I am Daddy’s Little Girl.
LEO That’s what you are, Quantity of Honey.
GRACE I have, of course, experienced, fairly recently, changes in my body – entirely to be expected, don’t get me wrong – which effectively qualify me as a young woman but can I just say you are my Big Forever Poppy.
LEO Tremendous.

23.
LEO What?
ANGELA I was…
LEO What?
ANGELA I was…oh…
GRACE Mum?
ANGELA Do you…
GRACE Do I…?
ANGELA …arm wrestle?
GRACE Do…
ANGELA (INDICATING LEO) Him.
GRACE Do I arm wrestle Dad?
ANGELA I do.
LEO I can’t actually recall any time that…
ANGELA Yes.
ANGELA EXTENDS HER ARM AS IF TO ARM WRESTLE LEO.
UNCERTAINLY, HE EXTENDS HIS ARM AND ENGAGES WITH HERS, IN THE ARM WRESTLING HOLD.
AFTER A SHORT EFFORT SHE PRESSES LEO’S ARM DOWN WITH SUCH FORCE THAT THE TABLE FALLS TO BITS.
ANGELA GAZES EMPTILY INTO THE MIDDLE DISTANCE. LONG PAUSE BEFORE NEXT SCENE (WHATEVER IT MAY BE).

24.
GRACE IS PINCHING TOMMY’S ARM. HE DOES NOT RESIST.
TOMMY More. That’s nothing.
GRACE PINCHES HARDER
It’s little. Really.
GRACE Do mine.
SHE EXTENDS HER ARM AND TOMMY STARTS TO PINCH IT
TOMMY And?
GRACE No.
(TOMMY PINCHES HARDER)
No.
(TOMMY BITES HER FOREARM)
No. Let me.
SHE BITES TOMMY’S FOREARM
TOMMY SHAKES HIS HEAD

25.
LEO IS LEAVING. HE CLASPS ANGELA TO HIM AND HUGS HER PASSIONATELY. SHE IS WEEPING.
HE TURNS TO GRACE AND HUGS HER. SHE IS WEEPING TOO. SHE WON’T LET GO. HE PUSHES HER GENTLY AWAY.
HE TURNS TO TOMMY, WHO IS TRYING TO BE BRAVE. HE HUGS HIM. TOMMY SOBS.
ANGELA RUNS TO HIM AND THEY HUG AGAIN.
LEO LEAVES.
ANGELA, TOMMY AND GRACE HOLD EACH OTHER AND WEEP AS THE MUSIC QUIETLY THUNDERS IN THE BACKGROUND.
SUDDENLY LEO BURSTS IN, SMILING. THEY ARE ASTONISHED.
HE RUNS FROM ANGELA TO GRACE TO TOMMY, SEIZING EACH ONE BY BOTH HANDS AND DANCING ROUND AND ROUND WITH THEM. THEY COMPLY BUT THERE IS NO JOY ONLY PUZZLEMENT ON THEIR FACES.

26.
LEO Grace.
GRACE (HASN’T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION) Sorry?
LEO Come again?
GRACE What?
LEO What did you say?
GRACE ‘Sorry.’ I think I said ‘Sorry’.
LEO Why would you say that?
GRACE You do, don’t you?
LEO No. I don’t.
GRACE Right.
LEO Have you done something to be sorry for? Have you? Something that you think I would disapprove of?
GRACE No.
LEO But you did say sorry. You apologised but you have done nothing wrong. Which is odd. Which makes me wonder: what is this little cunt up to?

27.
LEO, ANGELA, GRACE AND TOMMY ARE ROLLING ABOUT ON THE FLOOR TICKLING EACH OTHER. IT’S A STRAIGHTFORWARD, GOOD NATURED MASS FAMILY TICKLE-IN. IT MAY BE THAT THE ACTORS, IN THE COURSE OF REHEARSAL, WOULD WISH TO DETERMINE THE TICKLISH ZONES ON THEIR COLLEAGUES IN ORDER TO LEND THE SCENE A DEGREE OF ABANDON.

28 A, B & C.
THREE SIMILAR SCENES: LEO IS TICKLING EITHER ANGELA, GRACE OR TOMMY. THE TICKLING, AS PER SCENE #27, SHOULD BE REAL, IF POSSIBLE. IT SHOULD ALSO BE OVERLONG, TO THE POINT WHERE THE TICKLEE IS GETTING A BIT DESPERATE. THIS WOULD BE A MIXTURE OF ACTING AND GENUINE REACTION TO AN IRRESISTIBLE STIMULUS.

29.
LEO, GRACE AND TOMMY ARE TICKLING ANGELA. ANGELA DOES NOT REACT, HOWEVER INGENIOUS AND INSISTENT THEY ARE. EVENTUALLY GRACE AND TOMMY GIVE UP.
LEO CONTINUES TICKLING ANGELA, WITH INCREASING URGENCY. AT NO POINT DOES SHE REACT.
THIS, CLEARLY, IS ACTING: THE ACTORS MUST AVOID JUDE’S TICKLISH SPOTS.
(NOTE: IT’S PROBABLE THAT SCENES 27, 28 & 29 SHOULD NOT BE PLAYED CONSECUTIVELY.)

30.
GRACE I’m enthusiastic. All my friends say so. I’m known for getting things going and keeping them lively. It’s afterwards that’s difficult. I don’t come away feeling as good as I could. I’m fine as long as I keep going but I don’t like to stop. It’s like when everyone goes home and you’re in an empty house with lots of ashtrays. It’s like going back to a caravan but you’re not on holiday. It’s like if you stop then something might start. Or there might be nothing. Both quite bad.


31.
TOMMY Mum! Walk about.
ANGELA WALKS ABOUT
GRACE Jump up and down!
ANGELA JUMPS UP AND DOWN
TOMMY Mum! Say ‘I am a fool’.
ANGELA I am a fool.
GRACE Slap yourself.
ANGELA SLAPS HERSELF
TOMMY Say ‘It doesn’t hurt’.
ANGELA It doesn’t hurt.
GRACE Say ‘O watana’.
ANGELA O watana.
GRACE Siam.
ANGELA Siam.
TOMMY It’s the Siamese national anthem.
GRACE Say it all.
ANGELA O watana…Siam.
TOMMY Excellent, Mummy! Say it again.
ANGELA O watana Siam.
GRACE Yes, you are , Mummy. You fucking are.

32.
GRACE Some puppies are in a box. They are whimpering.
TOMMY No.
GRACE Along comes a stamper and stamps them to death.
TOMMY No.
GRACE Not up to it?
TOMMY Not really interested. It’s just words. We need to be methodical.
GRACE Let’s do ‘Give up smoking’ again.
TOMMY I don’t like the scars.
GRACE Ah!
TOMMY I don’t mind it when you put them out. It’s nothing. It’s the scars – they’re all up my arm and they’re not going away.
GRACE Perhaps I pushed too hard.
TOMMY You screw them round and round. It’s not necessary.

33.
LEO Tommy, come over here and feel my cock.
TOMMY It doesn’t feel right.
LEO What? My cock?
LEO BELLOWS WITH LAUGHTER AND, BULLYINGLY, DRAWS ANGELA AND GRACE INTO A TERRIFIED IMITATION OF LAUGHTER AS WELL
TOMMY It’s inappropriate.
LEO What? My cock?
LEO BELLOWS WITH LAUGHTER EVEN MORE FORCEFULLY, LOOKING ROUND THREATENINGLY AT HIS FAMILY AS HE DOES SO
TOMMY It’s not something you should even think about.
LEO What? My cock?
(LEO GROWS APOPLECTIC WITH LAUGHTER, ROARING IN A DERANGED MANNER WHILE HIS WOMENFOLK SCREAM HYSTERICALLY BESIDE HIM. THIS CACOPHONY IS PROTRACTED.)
What a time we have, don’t we?
HE KICKS TOMMY IN THE STOMACH

34.
TOMMY More pie, please, Mum.
GRACE Shall we go to the countryside?
ANGELA The man came with the handles.
LEO I see Mr Thomas is back.
GRACE Oh, you’ll never believe this.
TOMMY Sean – what a clown he is!
ANGELA I don’t know if those blinds are actually right.
LEO The euro! Whatever happened?
TOMMY Two weeks.
GRACE She said she’d never speak again
ANGELA What?

35.
GRACE IS READING TO ANGELA, WHO LISTENS DULLY
GRACE Harry stood up, noticing dimly that his legs seemed to be made out of marshmallow. He waited. And then he heard the whistle blow. He walked out through the entrance of the tent, the panic rising into a crescendo inside him. And now he was walking past the trees, through a gap in the enclosure fence. He saw everything in front of him as though it was a very highly coloured dream. There were hundreds and hundreds of faces staring down at him from stands which had been magicked there since he’d last stood on this spot. And there was the Horntail, at the other end of the enclosure, crouched low over her clutch of eggs, her wings half furled, her evil, yellow eyes upon him, a monstrous, scaly black lizard, thrashing her spiked tail, leaving yard-long gouge marks in the hard ground. The crowd was making a great deal of noise, but whether friendly or not, Harry didn’t know or care. It was time to do what he had to do…to focus his mind, entirely and absolutely, upon the thing that was his only chance.
He raised his wand.
“Accio firebolt !” he shouted.
PAUSE
ANGELA Where’s Hermione?
PAUSE
GRACE She’s not there. She’s watching. She’ll be back.

36.
ANGELA IS IMMOBILE
TOMMY She’s been stupefied.
GRACE Relashio!
TOMMY It’s not enough!
GRACE Expelliarmus!
TOMMY We don’t have the power!
GRACE But we know who did it!
TOMMY Don’t say it,
GRACE You-Know-Who.
TOMMY Don’t!
GRACE It was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
ENTER LEO
LEO (TO ANGELA) Snap out of it.
ANGELA Dadda.
LEO Not Dadda.
ANGELA Darling.
LEO Hello darling.
ANGELA I must have drifted off.
LEO (TO GRACE & TOMMY) Piss off. I want to fuck your mother.

37.
GRACE Mummy had another baby. A nice one. After a few days we realised it was a magic one. It could move things round the room with its mind and whoever touched it felt profoundly transformed for months thereafter. If it sensed we were hungry it would fill the fridge with foods. Dadda didn’t like it. He said it kept looking at him. He arranged for it to go to a place where its skills would be appreciated.

38.
TOMMY I started counting things. I thought it might prove to be useful. At first I just added up the number of things in my room. Quite a few, actually. I was pleased about that so I extended the process. You’d be amazed how many things there are in a house. There is the slight worry that you’ve left something out but I go over it in my mind regularly and I can’t see anything that I’ve missed. It is a worry though. What I do now is to count anyway, all of the time, and if things fit in with that then all the better.

39.
LEO Do I feel let down? It’s a deep question. I feel that here we are, on this surface, in this setup, all of us moving around, walking and talking, sometimes paths cross, it’s inevitable, there’s a lot to be getting on with, but don’t you just know it, there you are, going along, whistling a happy tune, whatever, essentially doing what you have to do, which is greatly important and then, quite suddenly and unexpectedly and unsought for, there’s someone in your way. Why are they there? What do they want? That’s when I feel let down. You would think, and this is not unreasonable, that there’s enough room for everyone. I’m not interested in them – why are they interested in me?

40.
ANGELA I don’t know where the time goes. I’ll be walking along and my lips will go warm, like a flush, and I can feel my eyes going fuzzy and I want to lie down but I’m in the street. Later on, sometimes it’s days, I’m somewhere else. In another street, at home, in a hotel. I think what it is is that I go travelling. Probably seaside places. Probably places where you’re not known but people know who you are.

2009

The One in the Theatre

THIS RESPONSE TO ELEMENTS OF ‘TWELFTH NIGHT’ IS BASED ON AN ORIGINAL SCRIPT FOR THE TV SHOW ‘FRIENDS’.
A SIX-HANDER FOR THREE ACTORS, WITH ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS TO MARTA KAUFFMAN & DAVID CRANE.
WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE ENHANCED VERSION OF THE EARLIER EDITED ORIGINAL ‘FRIENDS’ SCRIPT IN WHICH NON-ORIGINAL LINES ARE BULLETED: •
ALL FEMALE PARTS ARE SHARED BY JUDE BARRINGTON AND KATIE ROBERTS. ALL MALE PARTS ARE PLAYED BY CHRIS NEWLAND.
A LAUGHTER TRACK IS PLAYED INTERMITTENTLY THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, MORE AND MORE INAPPROPRIATELY AS THE SHOW PROGRESSES. SOME, BUT BY NO MEANS ALL, CUES FOR LAUGHTER ARE GIVEN BELOW. THERE WILL ALSO BE CONVENTIONAL LAUGH CUES THROUGHOUT (TO BE PLOTTED IN REHEARSAL).
SHORT SNAPPY MUSICAL INTERLUDES WILL BE PLAYED BETWEEN EACH SCENE. AS THE PIECE PROGRESSES THEY WILL BECOME MORE UNSETTLING.
THE SET FOR THIS PRODUCTION CONSISTED OF A SITTING ROOM ENTIRELY UPHOLSTERED IN ONE FABRIC.

INTRODUCTORY CAMEO SHOTS:
EACH OF THE THREE ACTORS IS VERY BRIEFLY SEEN AS IF IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCENE OF SOME SORT. TIGHT SPOTS FLASH ON AND OFF TO REVEAL HEAD AND SHOULDERS ‘SHOTS’ OF THE ‘CHARACTERS’ LAUGHING, GESTURING, LOOKING SURPRISED AND OTHER FABULOUS EXPRESSIONS (TO BE DETERMINED IN REHEARSAL).

Scene 1: RIFT’S RESTAURANT. JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE THERE.
URSULA BUFFAY, PHOEBE’S IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER, IS WAITING ON TABLES IN HER INIMITABLE MANNER.
Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
URSULA SPINS AROUND LOOKING PUZZLED, QUITE UNABLE TO TELL WHERE THE SOUND IS COMING FROM.
Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!
URSULA NOTICES JOEY WAVING HIS HAND, AND COMES OVER.
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, “Excuse me, hello Miss,” so now I’m here.
Joey: No, no… how come you are working here?
Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Chandler: Can we start over?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here.
SHE WANDERS AWAY.
Chandler and Joey: No, no, no!

Scene 2: CENTRAL PERK. ALL THREE GIRLS ARE PAYING COURT TO ROSS.
Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, “supposedly” by accident.
Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Rachel: I’ve never done that.
JOEY AND CHANDLER ARRIVE, HOVERING AT THE EDGE OF THE SPACE. THEY PEER ACROSS AT PHOEBE.
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister.
Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.
Chandler: They’re twins!
Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s… hot!
LAUGH TRACK: TOO LOUD
Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Let’s not do that any more.
THEY APPROACH THEIR FRIENDS
All: Hey guys! Hey!
Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay… um, Liam Neeson.
Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: Morley Safer.
Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
LAUGH TRACK: TOO LOUD
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh…
Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.
Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
Joey: Not from where I was standin’.
Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?
Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?
Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know… Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it… later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like “Yeah, right, well what else is new?”

Scene 3: MONICA AND RACHEL’S. ROSS, CHANDLER, AND THE GIRLS ARE DIVIDING SOME CHINESE TAKEOUT. THE TV IS PLAYING.
MUSIC: A FAINT BUT THREATENING GROWLING DRONE IS MIXED UNDER THIS SCENE.
JOEY ENTERS, LOOKING EXTREMELY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.
Chandler: Hey, where you been?
Joey: I went back to Rift’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
Chandler: Score.
Joey: She is so hot!
MUSIC: GROWL TRACK VOLUME INCREASES BY A CLICK
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err… (HE INDICATES PHOEBE, WHO IS HELPING ROSS UNDERSTAND THE REMOTE CONTROL.)
Joey: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (JUMPING UP) Yeah?
Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?
Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna… do that?  Why?
Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.
• Phoebe: Of course she’d fucking be there, Joey.
LAUGH TRACK: TOO LOUD
•Joey: Huh?
•Phoebe: If you fucking ask my fucking sister out she’ll be fucking there. Isn’t that fucking right?
LAUGH TRACK: TOO LOUD
•Joey: Uh, yeah. That’s right..
•Phoebe: I fucking thought so, you fucking dick.
Joey: Cool, thanks.
MUSIC: GROWL TRACK VOLUME FADES TO PREVIOUS SETTING
JOEY HAPPILY GESTURES AT CHANDLER THAT THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, THEN EXITS. RACHEL AND MONICA ARE CONCERNED FOR POOR PHOEBE, WHO SLIDES BACK DOWN NEXT TO ROSS.
Ross: You okay?
Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine.
LAUGH TRACK: TOO LOUD
Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Rachel: Okay… Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?
Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.
Rachel: Ooh, okay… good.
JOEY ENTERS, CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG FROM WHICH HE PRODUCES A NICE CARDIGAN.
MUSIC: GROWL TRACK VOLUME INCREASES BY A CLICK
Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.
Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present… (DELIGHTEDLY EXAMINING THE CARDIGAN IN HER LAP) ..oh, this is really…
Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
•Phoebe: Ohhh… Sure, yeah…Yeah. You want me to put it on my body then take it off then you’re going to put it on her body, yeah?
•Joey: Yeah.
•Phoebe: Do you want to watch?
•Joey: What?
•Phoebe: Do you want to watch me take off what I’m wearing so that my breasts have touched where my sister’s breasts are going to go?
•Joey: (UNDECIDED – IT DOESN’T SOUND THAT BAD) Well…
•Phoebe: Before you lick them? (PHOEBE SEIZES THE GARMENT AND TEARS IT TO PIECES) Okay, it fits.
LAUGHTER
THE OTHERS HAVE BEEN TAKING ALL THIS IN.
Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight?
Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.
Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.
Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ about her.
Phoebe: That you like, (SNAPPILY CONFRONTING JOEY OVER THE HEADS OF THE KNITTING CIRCLE ) we get it. You like her. Great!
THE CIRCLE FREEZES IN APPREHENSION.
Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.
Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.
Joey: Okay… Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay.
•Phoebe: Okay. CUNT!
•Joey: Hey!
•Rachel: You don’t know, do you, Joey?
•Joey: What don’t I know, Rachel?
•Rachel: If you touch her, never touch me, right?
•Joey: Who? Who’m I touching, Rache?
•Rachel: Phoebe is my fucking sister!
•Joey: What? Her fucking sister is Ursula!
•Rachel: (ROARING) DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH ME!
AN EMBARRASSED SILENCE

Scene 4 : CENTRAL PERK, THE GANG IS GATHERED AROUND MONICA COMFORTING HER BROTHER WHO, IN A SLIGHT STATE OF SHOCK ,IS CUDDLING A CUSHION FOR SECURITY.
Ross: I’m gonna be a father.
Rachel: This is just occurring to you?
Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Rachel: (SHE COMFORTS HIM TOO) Oh, you’re gonna be great!
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get my monkey to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
JOEY TIRES OF THIS, SO HE GETS UP TO LEAVE.
Phoebe: Where’re you going?
Joey: Out.
Phoebe: With?
Joey: (SPREADING HIS ARMS WIDE) Yes.
Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?
JOEY NODS HIS HEAD.
Phoebe: Have you two, you know… like… you know… you know… yet?
Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?
JOEY WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR, THEN HESITATES AND TURNS BACK.
Joey: You meant sex, right?
•Phoebe: I meant: did you get with my sister, my identical sister who looks identically like me, like we’re both naked on our backs and you’re standing there with your stupid dick out…
•Joey: It’s not stupid. My dick is not stupid.
•Monica: You fucking wish! Your dick is your brain, Joey!
•Joey: Get off me, Monica.
•Phoebe: …and you’re standing there and you think ‘Hey, which one is which? Which one do I pump? Hey – does it matter?’ And you fucking pump me, you piece of shit!
•Rachel: You can’t turn back after that, Joey! There’s no going back! You might as well put your fucking eyes out!
•Joey: But it’s her sister, Rachel!
•Rachel: (ROARING) NO…FUCKING…DIFFERENCE!

Scene 5 : MONICA & RACHEL’S. ALL THE WOMEN AND CHANDLER AND ROSS
Monica: Are you alright?
Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s…
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best
friend?
Monica and Rachel: (WISTFULLY SHAKING THEIR HEADS) No.
•Phoebe: Well, that’s what Joey is for me. I mean, he’s not my boyfriend. Obviously!
•Monica and Rachel: Obviously!
•Phoebe: More like a brother.
•Monica: That’s how I feel!
•Phoebe: You don’t fuck your brother, right?
•Chandler: No! No way!
•Rachel: Phoebe!
•Chandler: Like never! You’d turn to stone…or whatever.
•Monica: Right, I would never fuck Ross.
•Ross: Jeez, Monica. I guess that’s a compliment, right?
•Monica: Right!
•Phoebe: Okay. Just checking.
Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.
Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her.
Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.
Phoebe: Okay… Okay.
•Monica: Do it now.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

Scene 6: THE HALLWAY BETWEEN JOEY’S AND MONICA & RACHEL’S.
PHOEBE GETS UP AND WALKS ACROSS THE HALLWAY, BUT THE DOOR TO CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT IS SHUT. SHE KNOCKS, AND ANXIOUSLY WAITS FOR JOEY TO COME, BUT INSTEAD HER IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER EMERGES WEARING ONE OF JOEY’S SHIRTS.
PHOEBE REELS BACK IN SHOCK, WHILE URSULA DEFIANTLY LEANS AGAINST THE DOORPOST AS THOUGH SHE OWNS THE PLACE.
•Phoebe: Ursula!
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh. Yeah, um, may we help you?

Scene 7: CENTRAL PERK. JOEY, ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE CHATTING.
Joey: I’m takin’ Ursula out tonight. It’s her birthday.
Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe’s birthday?
Joey: When’s that?
Ross: Tonight.
Joey: Oh, man. What’re the odds of that happening?
JOEY BEGINS TO CONTEMPLATE HIS ILL FORTUNE.
Ross: You take your time.
JOEY LOOKS AT HIS FRIENDS, THINKS A BIT MORE, THEN REALISES.
Chandler: There it is! So what’re you gonna do?
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don’t want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?
Joey: Well, if she’s my friend, hopefully she’ll understand. I mean, wouldn’t you guys?
•Ross: Well, I would certainly never fuck Monica.
•Joey: Being she’s actually your sister, right?
•Chandler: Well, actually, no. I would never fuck Monica.
•Joey: (SURPRISED) No?
•Chandler: That’s nothing personal, Ross.
•Ross: No!

Scene 8: MONICA & RACHEL’S. THEY’RE ALL THERE EXCEPT FOR ROSS AND PHOEBE.
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. PHOEBE ENTERS.
A BIRTHDAY CAKE IS VISIBLE.
The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
Phoebe: Hey, what’s going on? (DELIGHTED) Oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Oh my god! (HUGGING PEOPLE) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room. (STILL HAPPY) Where’s Joey?
THE PARTY FALLS FLAT.

Scene 9: CENTRAL PERK
Joey: (ENTERING QUIETLY) Hey.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Trouble?
Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Don’t you hate it when people aren’t there for you?
Ross: Well did you try calling her?
Joey: I’ve been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can’t believe she’s blowin’ me off.
PHOEBE WANTS TO BE ANGRY WITH JOEY, BUT AS SHE WATCHES HIM SHAKING HIS HEAD IN PAIN AND DISBELIEF, SHE KNOWS THAT IT ISN’T HIS FAULT.

Scene 10: RIFT’S RESTAURANT
PHOEBE IS ENTERING. URSULA RETURNS WITH TWO PLATES OF CHICKEN, BUT SHE ONLY HAS TIME TO SET ONE ON THE TABLE, WHEN…
Phoebe: Hey.
URSULA TURNS IN SURPRISE.
Ursula: Oh!
Phoebe: Ursula, you got a minute?
Ursula: Um, yeah, I’m just… (WAVING DISMISSIVELY AT THE CONCEPT) ..working.
URSULA POINTS OUT A VACANT TABLE, SO THE TWINS WALK OVER, SIDE BY SIDE, TO SIT DOWN.
Phoebe: So.
Ursula: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: How’d you know I was coming?
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
Phoebe: So… What’s the deal with umm, you and Joey?
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that’s over.
URSULA RESUMES EATING HER LUNCH.
Phoebe: Does he know?
Ursula: Who?
Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he’s really nutsy about you.
Ursula: He is? Why?
Phoebe: You got me.
Ursula: Right.

Scene 11: CENTRAL PERK
PHOEBE ENTERS, BUT NOT AS HERSELF, FOR SHE HAS CHANGED THE STYLE OF HER HAIR AND MAKE-UP TO MATCH THAT OF HER TWIN SISTER. (DESIGNERS: WE NEED URSULA/KATIE TO WEAR SOMETHING DISTINCTIVE IN HER HAIR IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE SO THAT PHOEBE/JUDE CAN WEAR IT IN THIS SCENE.) NERVOUSLY, SHE APPROACHES JOEY.
Phoebe: (AS URSULA) Hey.
Joey: Urse…
PHOEBE NODS AS HE STANDS UP IN DELIGHT.
Joey: ..ah, what’re you doing here? I’ve been trying to call you.
Phoebe: (AS URSULA) Listen, um…I’m sorry.
Joey: I don’t get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?
PHOEBE IS ALMOST THROWN BY THIS.
Phoebe: (AS URSULA): Yeah, um… (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin’ crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Joey: You don’t drink.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That’s right, I don’t… But I was, I was drunk on you!
Joey: Oh, Urse… (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)
Phoebe: (AS URSULA) Okay, yeah, so it’s not gonna work.
Joey: Why? Is it because I’m friends with Phoebe?
Phoebe: (AS URSULA) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Joey: (THINKING CAREFULLY) No. No, I, I couldn’t do that.
Phoebe: (AS URSULA) Um, then yes, it’s ’cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it’s either her or me.
Joey: Then, uh, then I’m sorry.
HE SINKS TO THE SOFA, SADDENED BY URSULA’S ULTIMATUM, WHILE PHOEBE FOLLOWS, TOUCHED BY JOEY’S GOOD HEART.
Phoebe: (AS URSULA) You know… (UNCONSCIOUSLY PUTTING A HAND ON HIS KNEE) You’re gonna be really, really hard to get over.
•Joey: You’re so like Phoebe.
•Phoebe: (AS URSULA) I guess you’d…you’d go with Phoebe if it wasn’t for me.
•Joey: Like ‘go’?
•Phoebe: (AS URSULA) Like…you know…
•Joey: Would I fuck Phoebe? Yeah? Sure. I’d fuck her.
•Phoebe: (AS URSULA) She said you were like brother and sister.
Joey: That’s completely right.
JOEY TAKES HER FACE IN HIS HANDS AND KISSES HER. THE KISS INCREASES IN INTENSITY. THINGS GET HOT.
•Phoebe: (ECSTATIC) Joey!
•Joey: (ECSTATIC) Phoebe!
THEY WRITHE.
THE LAUGH, THE SCREAM AND THE GROWL TRACKS GROW LOUDER AND LOUDER TO MAX. SFX OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. THE LIGHTS FLICKER.
SNAP CUT OF ALL SOUND AND LIGHT.
End

2008

Ophelia Soiled

A response to ‘Hamlet’.

Cast:
Hamlet – Christopher Newland
Claudius – Ben Martin
Ophelia – Jude Smuts

HAMLET BEGINS TO SUSPECT THAT HIS FATHER MAY BE DEAD AND THAT HIS UNCLE, CLAUDIUS, MAY BE SLEEPING WITH HIS MOTHER. OPHELIA, ALREADY HURT BY HAMLET’S REJECTION OF HER, IS THEN MADDENED WHEN HAMLET ACCIDENTALLY KILLS HER FATHER POLONIUS.

THE SET IS A THREE-SIDED BOX. PLATFORMS HAVE BEEN BUILT BEHIND EACH SIDE SO THAT STAGE HANDS CAN STAND ABOVE THE SET, LOOKING DOWN ON THE ACTION. WHEN OPHELIA ENTERS THEY WILL SHOWER THE SET WITH BLACK CRUMB – CRUMBLED BLACK FOAM RUBBER – TO SUCH AN EXTENT THAT THE PERFORMERS BELOW ARE GRADUALLY ENGULFED. THE STAGE HANDS ARE VISIBLE TO THE AUDIENCE.
HAMLET AND CLAUDIUS ARE SITTING IN A DOMESTIC SPACE.
THREE LARGE JUGS OF WATER AND A GLASS ARE AVAILABLE. ALSO TO HAND BUT CONCEALED IN A CUPBOARD ARE SEVERAL LARGE TINS OF COCA-COLA.

HAMLET Have you put on a bit of weight, Uncle?
CLAUDIUS Yeah. Every time I fuck your mother she gives me a biscuit.
PAUSE
HAMLET What sort of biscuit?
CLAUDIUS Err…shortbread.
HAMLET They are delicious.
CLAUDIUS I certainly can’t resist them.
PAUSE
HAMLET I didn’t think my mother liked them, though.
CLAUDIUS It’s me that likes them. She keeps them in a jar.
HAMLET Oh. Where?
CLAUDIUS By the bed, of course.
HAMLET Her bed.
CLAUDIUS Well, yes.
HAMLET So you’re sleeping with my mother.
CLAUDIUS That’s how I get the biscuits.
HAMLET Does my father know?
CLAUDIUS I haven’t seen him for a while, I have to say.
HAMLET I wonder where he is?
CLAUDIUS Didn’t he have earache or something?
HAMLET Yes, he did. But that wouldn’t make you not be around, would it?
CLAUDIUS I’m not a doctor.
HAMLET True.
PAUSE
So you’re sleeping with my mother.
CLAUDIUS How do you feel about that?
HAMLET Well. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted to do.
CLAUDIUS Well, no. I don’t want to fuck my mother.
HAMLET How is Granny, actually?
CLAUDIUS She’s well. For her age. Very incontinent, of course. She loved the cardigan.
HAMLET Oh good. I am glad.
PAUSE
Is it a bit stuffy in here?
CLAUDIUS I find it comfortable.
HAMLET You wouldn’t mind if I…
HE INDICATES A WINDOW
CLAUDIUS Be my guest.
HAMLET It’s my house.
CLAUDIUS But I am fucking your mother.
HAMLET I suppose it’s a bit like having another father.
CLAUDIUS We were very close, your Dad and I.
HAMLET You don’t think he’s dead, do you?
CLAUDIUS You can never rule that sort of thing out.
HAMLET I will open that window.
HE MOVES TO THE WINDOW AND TRIES TO OPEN IT.
IT WON’T OPEN.
HE SITS DOWN AGAIN.
Not to worry.
CLAUDIUS They swell up.
PAUSE
HAMLET Do you use fairly conventional sexual positions with my mother?
CLAUDIUS When I’m banging her?
HAMLET Yes.
CLAUDIUS Oh yes. I get on top and she lies underneath, legs akimbo.
HAMLET Akimbo?
CLAUDIUS Apart. Very natural. Nothing fancy.
HAMLET Not round the back or anything?
CLAUDIUS Heavens, no.
HAMLET That’s comforting.
CLAUDIUS Not at all.
ENTER OPHELIA
OPHELIA You walk all day, the flags are out, there’s the red one that you like, there’s the yellow one you always see, there’s that striped one that was new but now you know it. And you’re walking and it’s ‘Hello, missy’, ‘How are you my fine bird today my pet?’ Oh I’m very well thank you. ‘Hello chuck’, ‘Hello chicken’, ‘Good day Miss Littlepoppin Brighteyes’, ‘Are you well Miss Felicity Grace Charming?’ Oh I’m doing fine Mister and Mrs thank you so very much for asking and all the brighter for it. Oh and there’s the dogs that I know and that like me. Just by the polka dot blue that’s flapping they dash across they want to lick my hands and jump up I don’t mind. Up boys! Up girls! Rruff! Rruff! (SHE BARKS) Hello Punch! Hello Sultan who’s my boy? Who’s my boy? Who’s my boy? Oh, down, down! Where’s my girl? Up Daphne! Up Daisy! Up Dina! Ohhhh! (AS IF HER FACE IS BEING LICKED) And how are your children, Tina Dina Tina? And how is that tummy, warm jumpy Floss? Oh! You’ve had them! They’re out! Everything is out! Clever girl! Clever girl! She’s such a clever girl! Aren’t the girls clever today! Oh yes. Oh yes. What with one thing and another. Yes they are.
CLAUDIUS (TO HAMLET) That’s your girlfriend, isn’t it?
HAMLET Well, you know… we…we were…
OPHELIA What a to do! What a calamity, Jane! What a harum scarum sort of weekend it was. What with everything. What with the business about the business and the trouble with the trouble.
HAMLET (TO OPHELIA, INDICATING THE WATER JUG AND GLASS) Would you like a glass of water?
CLAUDIUS Lovely girl like you…getting thirsty.
OPHELIA POURS A FULL GLASS AND DRAINS IT IN ONE GO
HAMLET It can really help. I’ve found that.
OPHELIA So I went back. It was time to go. There was nothing for me there. The basket was empty. Nothing to keep me. Popocateptl.
HAMLET I’m sorry…?
OPHELIA In the cellar. In the catacombs. You’ve killed the cat-who-combs in here at night. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Poor Tom. Poor TomPop. Poor Tom Pop Cat. Boom. Poor Top Cat. (TO HAMLET) What have you to say?
HAMLET Er…
CLAUDIUS Let me get you a drink.
HE POURS A FULL GLASS OF WATER AND HANDS IT TO OPHELIA.
SHE DRAINS IT IN ONE GO.
HAMLET I’m not sure…
OPHELIA No. How true. How untrue. And then the men came round. On the way back. As I was saying. As I was going. And all the flags were down. And the road was up. And you know, when they take the road up, all the black top off, it’s the icing on the cake! Did you know that? And do you know what pops up? It all pops up, Pop! Red hot and running down a street near you! All because of the boys with the black stuff! (TO THE TUNE OF ‘ELEANOR RIGBY’) Where do they all come from? The London Borough of Poland! (TO THE TUNE OF ‘IT’S RAINING MEN’) It’s raining men, tyrannosaurus! And when they take it up, there’s no going back! You can’t go along. No flags. No hello. No dogs. It stands to reason. Somebody has to.
HAMLET Look – I’m really sorry I accidentally killed your father. I feel really bad about it.
CLAUDIUS (TO OPHELIA) It’s true – he told me himself. He’s devastated.
HAMLET Gutted. To say the least.
CLAUDIUS As anyone would be.
HAMLET God knows – if I could put the clock back…
CLAUDIUS Which you can’t, of course.
HAMLET I think another glass is in order.
CLAUDIUS Splendid. I’ll do it. Happy to.
HE POURS A FULL GLASS OF WATER AND HANDS IT TO OPHELIA.
SHE DRAINS IT IN ONE GO.
HAMLET That’s much better.
CLAUDIUS You can just feel it, can’t you? I can. There you go.
HE POURS A FULL GLASS OF WATER AND HANDS IT TO OPHELIA.
BY THIS TIME THE ACTRESS MAY FEEL SHE NEEDS TO SPILL THE WATER DOWN HER FRONT AS SHE APPEARS TO DRAIN THE GLASS YET AGAIN.
HAMLET I think I’m getting yoors.
CLAUDIUS What’s yoors?
HAMLET What have you got?
CLAUDIUS Cheeky bugger! Just like your Dad!
HE OPENS A CUPBOARD, PRODUCES TWO LARGE CANS OF COCA-COLA AND HANDS ONE TO HAMLET.
HAMLET Oh, great! I love the fizzy ones! Cheers, Uncle!
THE MEN BREAK OPEN THE CANS AND DRINK EAGERLY. THEY SHOULD DRINK IN SUCH A WAY AS TO MAXIMISE THE INGESTION OF AIR WHICH WILL SHORTLY BE EXPELLED IN A SUCCESSION OF FORCEFUL ERUCTATIONS.
IT IS TO BE EXPECTED BY NOW THAT ALL THREE PRINCIPALS ARE PARTIALLY BURIED IN BLACK CRUMB.
AS THE LIGHTS FADE, THE MEN CONTINUE TO DRINK, TAKING TURNS TO BELCH LOUDLY OVER AND OVER WHILE OPHELIA DRINKS DESPERATELY FROM JUG AFTER JUG OF WATER.
END

2007

Throwing Shapes in the Workplace – Intro to In the Bosom of Roy

I have to say I really love ‘In the Bosom of Roy’. It marked a change of gear in my writing and I loved watching it being performed by the actors. Around that time I wrote here about my impatience with theatre whose form was inappropriately coherent, given the lack of coherence in our everyday early 21st century experience. As a counter to this, I had in my mind an elusive vision of a theatre of fragments that ultimately hung together insofar as they would contribute to a fragmented whole. Themes would be apparent but the parts would remain discontinuous. The fragments would not just be a collection of any old random bits but represented the decomposing of many of the systems and beliefs that had once made us feel we were consistent subjects in a reliable environment.

Over the preceding forty years I had seen a great deal of experimental performance and I was familiar with many varieties of performative fragmentation. Much of the British progressive work was designed to find alternatives to narrative strategies found in mainstream performance and the novel. This work tended to favour a multi- or cross-disciplinarity enhanced by an increasingly sophisticated articulation of alienation, disenchantment and unstable identity. But times changed. If the work was to maintain currency it would have to take into account a complex of factors that had irreversibly metastasised from the local to the global. Tall order.

‘In the Bosom of Roy’ was, I think, the first piece I wrote that featured loud trance music introduced at the wrong moments. Most of my long and short plays had used music but invariably in order to intensify or complement mood. When electronic dance music began to emerge I found in it some of the most exhilarating experiences I had had since punk. I picked up scores of trance and hardcore CDs at charity shops and, as the century turned, amassed them in my very exciting iPod Classic, a white device closely resembling, in shape and size, what the portable wireless telephone would evolve into six years later.

I noticed that when I listened to the right kind of dance music I would sometimes see streams of performance imagery in my mind’s eye. Increasingly and perhaps not surprisingly, the images featured actors dancing as well as acting. While I am not a choreographer I do know what I like. I like watching just about anybody dance but there’s something about heavy pounding that brings out the best in many who consider themselves only modestly equipped in terms of a repertoire of shapes. The pounding attacks the body directly and solves, for some, the problem of making thoughtful aesthetic movement choices. On a good day the body will be taken care of.

Rather than use the dance music to energise a scene I envisaged the abrupt and uncomfortable eruption into a scene of music played so loud that nothing else could be heard. This would not discommode the performers so much as compel them immediately to break out of the acting mode in order to demonstrate their moves. The figures seen dancing were not dancing as previously established fictional characters. They had seceded from fiction but neither were they actors being themselves. They would stand downstage in a line abreast, a few feet from the front row, facing towards the audience, not acknowledging each other, just demonstrating dance.

This mode of demonstration could, I thought, be extended to the acting style. Instead of authenticity, along with its tiresome baggage of purported healing power, the actors would present actors presenting examples of acting. It would be possible to open up the seams that welded actor to character so that a small but disconcerting gap could be seen. Not so large a gap that the effect could be dismissed as bad acting but one which afforded a glimpse of artifice. This would not be a Brechtian effect but one which reflected the new styles of alienation burgeoning in a successful consumer society that supported the consciously performed presence rather than a less self-conscious version. The actors I was working with regularly on both short and long plays – Lydia Ayers, Jude Barrington, Gerard Bell, Gareth Brierley, Abigail Davies, Christine Entwisle, Martin Gent, Amanda Hadingue, Chris Newland, Barney Power, Mary Roscoe and Bernadette Russell – all acquired a distinctive declamatory style that simultaneously expressed the role and demonstrated it as a role.

The spectacle of actors dancing hard in your face with the volume up to 11 was, I found, intoxicating and moving. I found it so intoxicating and moving that I used it over and over. It suggested a world in which few experiences were not truncated by others, in which the personal was urgently and unpredictably invaded by forces that both erased it and defined it. The eruption of hard thumping and ecstatic breaks gave a context to the ‘drama’ that located it in a relentless, repetitive, machinic, merciless place. This was a place that was fundamentally frantic and panicked and could only offer a deliverance that was itself possessed of a transcendence that was superb to a fault.

2008

Go to the play script here.

Studio Tour

THE THEATRE SET IS BUILT TO RESEMBLE A FILM SET. A FILM CREW COMPRISING DIRECTOR, DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY, FIRST ASSISTANT, SECOND ASSISTANT, SOUND RECORDIST, CLAPPER AND MAKEUP ARE PRESENT ON SET AT ALL TIMES.
THE AUDIENCE, ON A TOUR OF THE STUDIOS, IS LED INTO THE SOUND STAGE BY AN USHER. THEY ARE PLACED IN A STANDING GROUP TO ONE SIDE OF THE SPACE.
THE FILM SET IS A GARAGE CONTAINING A CAR. MOUNTED ABOVE THE SET IS A LARGE PROJECTION SCREEN ON WHICH SCENES, IN BLACK AND WHITE, ARE SHOWN AS THEY ARE BEING SHOT.
AS THE AUDIENCE ENTERS A SHOT IS BEING SET UP: THE DIRECTOR IS TALKING TO THE DP (DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY) NEAR THE CAMERA.
THE CAMERA IS SIGHTED ON THE THREE CHARACTERS IN THE REMAKE OF ‘DOUBLE INDEMNITY’ (BILLY WILDER, 1944).

THE CHARACTERS ARE:
WALTER NEFF (ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY FRED MACMURRAY) PLAYED BY CHRIS NEWLAND
PHYLLIS DIETRICHSON (ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY BARBARA STANWYCK) PLAYED BY LYDIA AYERS
MR DIETRICHSON (ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY TOM POWERS) PLAYED BY GARETH BRIERLEY

THE SHOT IS TAKEN FROM THE SCENE IN WHICH THE INSURANCE AGENT NEFF GETS THE UNPLEASANT MR DIETRICHSON TO SIGN A CAR INSURANCE RENEWAL. IF DIETRICHSON IS KILLED IN EXCEPTIONALLY UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES, HIS WIFE WILL COLLECT TWICE THE USUAL AMOUNT FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY: THE DOUBLE INDEMNITY. UNKNOWN TO DIETRICHSON HIS WIFE, PHYLLIS, IS PLOTTING WITH NEFF TO MURDER HER HUSBAND. THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF HIS DEATH WILL BE UNUSUAL.

THE SCENE FEATURES THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE TAKEN FROM THE MOVIE:

NEFF Now if you’ll just sign these, Mr Dietrichson.
DIETRICHSON Sign what?
NEFF The applications for the auto renewal, so you’ll be covered until the new policies are issued.
NEFF HANDS DIETRICHSON SOME PAPERS AND A PEN.
DIETRICHSON When will that be?
NEFF About a week.
DIETRICHSON Just so I’m covered when I drive up north.
NEFF San Francisco?
DIETRICHSON Palo Alto.
PHYLLIS He was a Stanford man, Mr Neff. And he goes to his class reunion every year.
DIETRICHSON What’s wrong with that? Can’t I have a little fun even once a year?
IN THE REALITY OF THE FILM SHOOT, GARETH AND LYDIA ARE PARTNERS. LYDIA, HOWEVER, HAS MET CHRIS ON THE SHOOT AND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM. THEY HAVE BEEN PLOTTING TO GET GARETH SACKED FROM THE MOVIE. AS THEY SHOOT AND RESHOOT THE SCENE, LYDIA AND CHRIS CONSPIRE TO MAKE GARETH SEEM INCOMPETENT, THEREBY DRAWING DOWN THE ANGER OF THE LEGENDARILY TURBULENT DIRECTOR, DAVID (PLAYED BY DAVID GALE).
THE CONSPIRATORS WILL SUCCEED IN THEIR PLAN. DAVID WILL FIRE GARETH.

DIRECTOR Okay, run sound.
RECORDIST Sound running.
DIRECTOR Mark it.
CLAPPER Double Indemnity, Scene 27, Take 2. (CLAP!)
DIRECTOR Action!
THE DIALOGUE IS RUN RIGHT THROUGH, IN AMERICAN ACCENTS. THE SCENE IS SEEN LIVE ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN. IT IS A STATIC THREE-SHOT.
WHEN THE ACTORS ARE NOT SHOOTING THEY SPEAK WITH BRITISH ACCENTS.
AT THE END OF EVERY TAKE, THE MAKEUP ARTIST WILL ADJUST THE ACTORS’ HAIR AND POWDER THEIR FACES.
DIRECTOR Cut! (HE WALKS INTO THE SHOT) Okay, Gareth, we can afford to see more edge there. This is not a nice man.
GARETH But he doesn’t suspect anything yet.
DIRECTOR No – not a thing. He’s still an irritable bastard though.
CHRIS He’s not nice to anybody.
GARETH Is he a drinker, do you think?
DIRECTOR Not necessarily.
LYDIA I think he just has one when he gets home.
DIRECTOR Yeah. Maybe. Okay?
GARETH Sure.
DIRECTOR Lydia – no need to lean in, we can see you.
CHRIS And no waving at the camera. It’s amateurish.
LYDIA Tee hee.
DIRECTOR (TO FIRST ASSISTANT) Becky, please.
FIRST Quiet please! Going for another one! Run sound.
RECORDIST Sound running.
FIRST Mark it.
CLAPPER Double Indemnity, Scene 27, Take 3. (CLAP!)
DIRECTOR Action!
THE DIALOGUE, TRANSCRIBED FROM THE ORIGINAL MOVIE, IS RUN UP TO AND INCLUDING THE FOLLOWING POINT:
DIETRICHSON Just so I’m covered when I drive up north.
RECORDIST Cut!
FIRST Okay, cut it!
DIRECTOR What’s the problem?
RECORDIST I’ve got a generator or something.
FIRST (TO SECOND ASSISTANT) Ayako! Check that out please!
THE SECOND ASSISTANT LEAVES THE SOUND STAGE.
THE ACTORS CHAT AMONG THEMSELVES:
LYDIA (TO GARETH) Sweety.
GARETH What?
LYDIA Did you ask Maria to go to Waitrose?
GARETH Was I suppposed to?
LYDIA You didn’t ask her?
GARETH I thought you were going to.
LYDIA Jesus! I told you last night. What are we going to eat?
GARETH We can go out.
LYDIA We’re not going to be back till eleven.
CHRIS Baked beans. They can be very satisfying.
LYDIA Fuck off.
CHRIS I’m serious.
LYDIA There are no baked beans in my house. I won’t have them.
CHRIS Come round mine. I’ll make something.
GARETH No, we couldn’t.
LYDIA Don’t say that – we’re going to starve.
GARETH It’s not fair on Chris.
LYDIA I’ll go on my own. You can eat biscuits.
THE SECOND ASSISTANT RETURNS AND CONFERS BRIEFLY WITH THE FIRST.
FIRST Okay, everybody, going again. Stand by! Run sound!
RECORDIST Sound running.
FIRST Mark it.
CLAPPER Double Indemnity, Scene 27, Take 4. (CLAP!)
DIRECTOR Action!
THE DIALOGUE IS RUN RIGHT THROUGH.
DIRECTOR And cut! (HE WALKS INTO THE SHOT) Gareth, we’re still not seeing that this guy is completely unlikeable. It’s not just that he’s irritated with Neff, he’s always irritated. He’s sour.
CHRIS Which is why she wants to off him.
GARETH Yeah, I know, I realise that.
DIRECTOR So, when he says ‘When will that be?’, for example, he’s being rude. He doesn’t have any manners. And we need that so that we don’t relax too much and think he’s easy game and they’ll get away with it.
GARETH Yeah. Right.
DIRECTOR Okay. Chris, that’s fine. We’ll go again. Becky!
FIRST One minute, David.
DIRECTOR Soon as you can.
HE WALKS BACK TO A POSITION BEHIND THE CAM.
CHRIS (TO GARETH) You know what I reckon, he’s suspicious of Neff.
GARETH He’s got no reason to be, though.
CHRIS Yeah, but he’s suspicious of everybody.
GARETH Which I think I’m doing.
CHRIS You are. But what if he teases Neff: the older man teasing the young upstart. But sort of good-humouredly.
GARETH Like he can afford to be good humoured because he’s powerful.
LYDIA But it’s not really good humoured, because if you cross him he’s vile.
CHRIS If you play the good humour, over the sour thing, that could be really menacing.
LYDIA I reckon.
GARETH That’s good.
FIRST Okay everybody, cracking on! Stand by please! And run sound.
RECORDIST Sound running.
FIRST Mark it.
CLAPPER Double Indemnity, Scene 27, Take 5. (CLAP!)
DIRECTOR Action!
THE DIALOGUE IS RUN RIGHT THROUGH.
DIRECTOR Cut! (HE WALKS INTO THE SHOT) Gareth, what’s happening? What are you doing? He’s not Father Christmas!
GARETH I sort of saw him as being good-humoured, having this good-humoured thing, over the sour aspect.
DIRECTOR Why?
GARETH Because he can afford to. His power and everything.
DIRECTOR Gareth, Dietrichson is on screen for a total of two minutes. He comes in, he’s an arsehole, he gets killed. Then the movie starts. We can’t make him subtle. We have to read him straight away. He’s an arsehole. We’ll go again. Keep it simple.
HE WALKS BACK TO A POSITION BEHIND THE CAM AND TALKS WITH THE DP.
CHRIS I liked what you did.
GARETH Pity you’re not directing.
LYDIA Gareth, David’s known for this.
GARETH What?
LYDIA He’s not really into acting. He comes from commercials. Basically you try things out and he tells you whether he likes it. He doesn’t know how to get what he wants.
GARETH So who does?
LYDIA You work it out between yourselves. We’ve been doing that for weeks, haven’t we, Chrissie?
GARETH You’re used to him. This is my first day.
CHRIS I’ve got a great idea. Deadpan. Cold but simmering.
GARETH Cold but simmering?
CHRIS He’s completely full of contempt. So much so that he won’t even waste energy on people. They’re not worth it.
GARETH Everyone is scum.
LYDIA Absolutely. Phyllis, everyone.
DIRECTOR Thank you, Becky!
FIRST Going again, people. Stand by! Run sound.
RECORDIST Sound running.
FIRST Mark it.
CLAPPER Double Indemnity, Scene 27, Take 6. (CLAP!)
DIRECTOR Action!
THE DIALOGUE IS RUN RIGHT THROUGH.
DIRECTOR Cut! (HE WALKS INTO THE SHOT) Gareth, would you mind having a little word?
HE WALKS OFF SET WITH GARETH TO A QUIET CORNER.
MEANWHILE, CHRIS AND LYDIA ARE LEFT ON SET, WITH THE CAM STILL ON. THEIR IMAGE IS THEREFORE PROJECTED ONTO THE SCREEN.
THEY TALK IN LOW VOICES BUT WE CAN HEAR THEM OVER THE SOUND SYSTEM
THEY RAISE THEIR EYEBROWS AS GARETH LEAVES.
LYDIA What do you think?
CHRIS Little bit deadpan, possibly.
LYDIA (GIGGLING) You’re horrible!
CHRIS (LEANING FORWARD TO KISS HER) No. I was full of helpful suggestions.
LYDIA Unstoppable.
CHRIS In so many ways.
LYDIA JABS HIM IN PLAYFUL REPROACH.
ACROSS THE STUDIO, THE DIRECTOR WALKS AWAY FROM GARETH.
LYDIA Looks like an early bath, then.
CHRIS Great! I’ve been feeling a bit dirty.
LYDIA Not you!
THEY CANOODLE AS FOCUS SWITCHES TO THE DIRECTOR.
HE WALKS TO THE DP AND CONFERS BRIEFLY. SHE STARTS TO SET UP ANOTHER SHOT (MID-SHOT 2 SHOT) OF CHRIS AND LYDIA.
THE DIRECTOR’S NEXT LINES ARE NOT AMPLIFIED AND WILL THEREFORE TAKE PLACE NEAR THE AUDIENCE.
HE PRODUCES A MOBILE PHONE AND MAKES A CALL.
DIRECTOR Can I have Carole Ambrose, please. Hi Carole – David. I’m fine. You? Excellent. Oh, quite well, I guess. Yes – that’s what I’d like to talk about. It’s not as smooth as I’d like, I’m afraid. I’m afraid he’s not quite right. Yes, I’m afraid so. Lovely man and everything but I don’t seem to be getting through. So I’m letting him go and I’d be grateful if you could let him know. I’m sure you’ve got his mobile. No – it’s a shame. Julian okay? Great. Got to go. Ciao, Carole.
(HE LOOKS AROUND FOR THE FIRST)
Becky?
FIRST Got it!
THE DIRECTOR WALKS ONTO THE SET.
DIRECTOR Okay. Guys – this is the reaction. He’s signed the document and you can’t resist glancing at each other. Secretive but smug, yeah?
LYDIA Great.
DIRECTOR Becky.
FIRST Stand by, please. Quiet on the set! Run sound.
RECORDIST Sound running.
FIRST Mark it.
CLAPPER Double Indemnity, Scene 28, Take 1. (CLAP!)
DIRECTOR Action!
(CHRIS AND LYDIA DO THE REACTION SHOT)
And cut!
Very nice. Well done. We’ll go with that.
BECKY Take a break, guys.
(CHRIS AND LYDIA CONTINUE TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SECRETIVELY AND SMUGLY.)
Guys!
THEY SNAP OUT OF THE LOOK, GIGGLE AND STROLL OFF, WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER.
THE USHER TELLS THE AUDIENCE A BREAK IS COMING UP AND MOVES THEM OUT OF THE SOUND STAGE.
END

2006