The characters:
Ann – a cricketer
Pat – a policewoman
Tod – an actor
Dan – a documentary film maker

THE ACTORS ARE IN THEIR FIRST POSITIONS ONSTAGE, UNDER A LOW PRE-SET.
HOUSE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT, ENABLING THE DIRECTOR, DAVID GALE, TO ENTER AND TAKE A POSITION MIDSTAGE CENTRE.
A SPECIAL SPOT FADES UP TO REVEAL HIM.
DAVID Good evening, my name is David Gale. I am the writer and director of the Dash Dash Dash series of short plays, one of which, titled ‘The Fastness’, you are about to see. If what I’m doing at the moment isn’t very good then I must apologise. It’s because I’m not an actor. These are my real clothes. It can be tricky writing a play in three days and rehearsing it in two and a half. Some of the things you’d ideally introduce gradually have to be quickly established so that you can cover the ground you want to in the limited time you have. This evening I thought I’d get round that by just telling you what happened to Dan – the character played by Chris here (HE INDICATES CHRIS, WHO SMILES PLEASANTLY) – before he came on stage, so to speak.
Thanks to some scientific breakthroughs Dan was able to travel back in time to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and film it with a concealed camera. Now he’s back here again. (PAUSE) Good. I’m sorry if that’s a bit crude, but it does mean we can start with an even playing field.
I’ve got a seat over here (INDICATING). I’ll go to it now.
DAVID TAKES HIS SEAT IN THE AUDIENCE.
AS SOON AS HE IS SETTLED LIGHTS GO TO FIRST ‘PLAY STATE’.

ANN How was Jerusalem?
DAN Golgotha.
TOD How was it?
PAT Did you get anything?
DAN When I arrived, I was, of course, naked. I managed to find a robe and made my way to the site. They were just putting him up.
ANN What was he like?
DAN Not at his best, I imagine. Even so, you could tell there was something going on. I got up close and shot for at least two hours.
TOD Amazing.
PAT The crucifixion of Jesus Christ – in colour!
DAN Worth a couple of bob, to be sure. Once they remove the camera.
TOD Is that a headache?
DAN It’s just beneath the collar-bone. (INDICATING) Here, more or less. They make an incision and lift it out.
ANN Are you sure it’s there?
DAN Oh yes. Anything inside the body is safe. Anything outside is vaporised.
ANN Well, talking of time travel, we’re playing New Zealand next week. Worcester.
PAT Going alright?
ANN Been in the nets every day. Looking pretty good.
PAT We’re busting some scumbags at the moment.
TOD Gak?
PAT Smack.
TOD Users?
PAT No, no. Dealers. Maltese Jimmy.
TOD I got that panto.
ANN Well done!
DAN Puss?
TOD Dick.
DAN Scarborough?
TOD Yeah.
ANN Lovely walks.
A COUNTRY DANCE. WITH ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC.
IT FINISHES.
TOD So, Dan.
DAN Tod?
TOD If word got out…
PAT Men and women would fall upon you.
ANN They would tear your body open.
DAN I hadn’t thought of that.
ANN So why did you go?
DAN It was felt that the outcome might have significant impact upon a fragmented world.
PAT It would knock some sense into it.
DAN Certainly.
TOD It would take things back to the moment before curtain up.
DAN Demonstrably.
ANN It would create an even playing field.
DAN Plainly.
PAT Do you feel any different, Dan?
DAN Well, it was a once in a lifetime thing.
TOD I think you have changed.
ANN I’m trying to remember what you were like.
A SHORT COUNTRY DANCE.
IT FINISHES.
DAN Hello everybody I’ve succeeded in painting the town red in a very direct and lively manner.
ANN I disagree. It is time for unrelenting and pitiless war.
TOD Who’d like a delicious cuppa? I would. Thank you.
PAT This afternoon I’m going to strip the 444 down and see if we can’t get it to run about a bit.
DAN You could take it down the town. Which is so colourful.
ANN Yes. I’ve got people coming in from all over roundabout these parts in effect.
TOD Which is a monster plus. By Jiminy.
PAT By crikey.
ANN By fuck.
DAN Hoorah to all that.
PAT Right then! Let’s!
TOD I’m inclined.
DAN With a brisk and lively tempo.
PAT I could slap something now.
ANN Off you go.
TOD I’d like to run that way.
DAN And I another way.
PAT I’ll slap something very shortly.
ANN Which is what you’re like.
PAT As you say. Ann.
TOD Are you the slap type? Pat.
DAN This is getting good.
ANN Oh, I love Switzerland!
TOD I love remembering!
PAT I’m a misanthropist!
DAN I collect stamps!
TOD I think about my personality.
PAT Watch me run for the ball.
TOD I can’t.
PAT It’ll happen anyway.
PAT RUNS ABOUT A BIT.
ANN There should be borders that are touchable around areas that may contravene health and safety.
DAN It only makes sense. What about these moves?
DAN ROUNDS ABOUT A BIT.
THAT MEANS THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE RUNNING ABOUT A BIT AT ONCE.
THEY STOP.
ANN I love you.
DAN Shall we settle down?
TOD (TO ANN) He’s only kidding.
ANN (TO DAN) Fucker.
PAT Dan, you’re the wild card.
DAN I really wish I had been more indirect with that man in Luxembourg.
TOD In what exact way, Dan?
DAN DEMONSTRATES SIDLING, EDGING, DEFLECTING, FAWNING, THE WITHHOLDING OF AFFECT.
HE FINISHES DOING THIS.
ANN Newmarket is just in. Two o’clock: Bad Roy. Two thirty: Namibian Pamby. Three o’clock: Fiery Liquid. Three thirty: Look out Hector! Four o’clock: Knobby. The Fastness!
PAT SLAPS TOD.
TOD I’m listening.
ANN Think: the Big Bang, yeah?
TOD I’m listening.
ANN The Big Bang, yeah.
DAN That’s irritating.
ANN The Big Bang, yeah, the actual noise of it, is still going on.
TOD Some sort of a distant hiss, isn’t it?
ANN Tod! Fuck! You’re such a div! Whatever they want you to think, you think!
TOD Okay, okay. What am I missing?
ANN The Big Bang, right, is still going on, as an actual bang, all around us, deafening, totally ear-splitting.
PAT (SARCASTICALLY) Which is why I can hear you perfectly well at this moment in time.
ANN Pat!
PAT (THREATENINGLY) Don’t!
ANN No.
DAN It’s not a bad point, is it, Ann?
ANN Because it’s deafening our ears have evolved to hear beyond it. Everything we hear is beyond it.
TOD But it’s there.
PAT Where is your proof, please?
ANN Honestly, Pat. You should join the police force.
PAT You should take your pads off now and again.
TOD I have to go to an audition.
DAN What for?
TOD So that I’m there when they evaluate a number of actors for a particular part.
A COUNTRY DANCE.
IT FINISHES.
PAT Dan. Don’t get me wrong.
DAN I’ll try.
PAT Your underpants. Are they especially brief?
DAN They are, actually. I don’t like to be encumbered.
PAT Or cucumbered!
(PAT AND ANN BURST OUT LAUGHING BAWDILY WITH GREAT FORCE)
I’m sorry. That was wrong of me.
(PAT AND ANN BURST OUT LAUGHING AGAIN, IN A SIMILAR MANNER)
No. We shouldn’t. Your pants, Dan…
(THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING AGAIN, IN A SIMILAR MANNER)
No, honestly.
DAN No, no. Take your time. I’ve got nothing on today.
PAT Are you sure?
PAT AND ANN BURST OUT LAUGHING AGAIN, IN A SIMILAR MANNER.
PAUSE.
ANN Oh dear.
PAT I don’t where it comes from!
DAN (MILDLY IMPATIENT) Anyway. My pants…
PAT AND ANN BURST OUT LAUGHING AGAIN. THEY ROAR, POUND THE FURNITURE AND SLAP EACH OTHER’S THIGHS.
TOD We could probably move on.
PAT Simple question: would you like to slip into something less stylish for when we get going? Just to make you feel more comfortable. Something roomier?
ANN SNORTS BUT MANAGES TO CONTROL HERSELF AND STUDIES THE CEILING
DAN That’s very thoughtful. Thank you. I will.
PAT HANDS DAN A DRESSING GOWN AND A PAIR OF PLAIN WHITE Y-FRONTS, STILL PACKAGED.
DAN MOVES UPSTAGE AND, WITH HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, CHANGES INTO Y-FRONTS AND DRESSING GOWN.
THE LIGHTING STATE STARTS TO SHIFT TO A NON-NATURALISTIC ‘GERMAN EXPRESSIONIST’ STYLE WITH HIGH CONTRAST LIGHT AND SHADOW.
WHILE DAN IS CHANGING HIS CLOTHES TOD, ANN AND PAT HELP EACH OTHER PUT ON WHITE SURGICAL SCRUBS. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THESE EFFICIENTLY PROTECT THE COSTUMES BENEATH.
THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE MAY SUFFICE AS COVER:
TOD It has to be this way. If we outsourced it anything could happen.
ANN We’ll be fine.
TOD It’s been a while but I’m pretty sure of the moves.
PAT How long were you on it?
TOD About eight months. Two seasons. I went from House Officer in A&E to Ear, Nose and Throat.
ANN What’s Sally Myers like?
TOD She’s lovely.
ANN I thought so. She looks like she would be.
PAT I love her laugh.
TOD It’s actually hers. That’s the way she laughs.
DAN HAS NOW COMPLETED HIS COSTUME CHANGE WALKS DOWN TO THE OTHERS.
DAN I like that Terry guy.
TOD He’s Scottish.
DAN Really? Not a Cockney.
TOD No.
DAN Amazing.
WHAT ENSUES IS AN ATTEMPT, WITHIN THE BOUNDS OF LIVE THEATRE, TO REPRODUCE A SURGICAL OPERATION THAT GOES QUITE WELL BUT GENERATES AN EXTRAORDINARY AMOUNT OF BLOOD AND GUTS.
WE WILL PROBABLY NEED A CLEANABLE FLOOR CLOTH.
THE OPERATION IS CONDUCTED ON DAN, WHO LIES ON A SPECIAL TABLE WHICH MAY, PRIOR TO THIS EPISODE, HAVE BEEN TAKEN FOR A DINING TABLE.
BENEATH THE TABLE TOP ARE COMPARTMENTS CONTAINING:
• SEVERAL LITRES OF STAGE BLOOD.
• QUANTITIES OF MATERIAL CLOSELY RESEMBLING INTESTINES AND INTERNAL ORGANS. (THESE COULD BE SOURCED FROM AN ABATTOIR IF PROPER REFRIGERATION WERE AVAILABLE AT ALL STAGES).
• A PUMP/SPRAY WHICH WOULD EMIT GUSHERS OF STAGE BLOOD WHEN ACTIVATED. THE SPRAY HEAD IS ADJUSTABLE SO THAT GUSHERS ARE DIRECTABLE. (IT MAY BE THAT THE ACTUAL PUMP IS OFFSTAGE BUT CONNECTED TO THE SPRAYHEAD ONSTAGE).
• A DRAWER FOR SCALPELS, SURGICAL SAWS, FORCEPS, CLAMPS ETC.
ALL ACCESS TO THESE FACILITIES WOULD BE ON THE UPSTAGE SIDE OF THE TABLE SO THAT THE ‘SURGEONS’ WOULD APPEAR TO BE OPENING UP DAN’S BODY AND CAUSING IT TO BLEED, GUSH AND BECOME A SOURCE OF ORGANS.
DAN GETS ONTO THE TABLE AND LIES ON HIS BACK.
BEAUTIFULLY SOLEMN MUSIC FADES UP.
THE ‘SURGEONS’ MOVE INTO POSITION AROUND THE TABLE.
TOD Dan – we don’t have any anaesthetic.
DAN I know. It’s not a problem.
ANN He directs his mind away, don’t you, Dan?
DAN Something like that.
TOD Okay. Time to go in. Take 1.
THE STAGE DIRECTIONS WILL DESCRIBE WHAT APPEARS TO HAPPEN, RATHER THAN WHAT THE ACTORS ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO TO CREATE THE ILLUSIONS.
THE ATMOSPHERE IS LOW KEY, UNHURRIED, SERENE.
TOD Scalpel. (PAT HANDS TOD A SCALPEL) Going in, Dan. (TOD MAKES AN INCISION ON DAN’S UPPER CHEST) There. Keyhole.
DAN How is it?
TOD Pat.
PAT PRODUCES A FLASHLIGHT AND SHINES IT ONTO THE INCISION.
PAT Can’t see it yet.
TOD I’ll enlarge. (TOD ENLARGES THE INCISION) Okay, Dan?
DAN Good.
TOD Pat.
PAT SHINES THE FLASHLIGHT ON THE INCISION AGAIN.
ANN Can I see? (SHE PEERS INTO THE INCISION) Nope.
TOD Little bit more. (TOD ENLARGES THE INCISION) Okay, Dan?
DAN You’re doing well.
TOD Pat, please.
PAT SHINES THE FLASHLIGHT ON THE INCISION AGAIN.
ANN PEERS IN.
ANN Not yet. (TO TOD) Can I try?
TOD Of course.
PAT Ann.
PAT HANDS ANN A NEW SCALPEL.
ANN You happy with this, Dan?
DAN I’m with friends. (ANN ENLARGES THE INCISION) You’re so calm.
ANN So are you.
PAT SHINES THE FLASHLIGHT ON THE INCISION.
PAT Hmm. I might just put my hand in.
TOD Can’t do any harm.
PAT INSERTS HER HAND INTO DAN’S UPPER CHEST.
STEAM RISES FROM WITHIN DAN’S BODY AS THE WARM ORGANS MEET THE COLDER OUTSIDE AIR.
PAT How big is it, Dan?
DAN Matchbox.
PAT I need to move around a little.
DAN You look lovely.
PAT So do you.
PAT GOES IN UP TO THE WRIST AND EXPLORES THE CAVITY.
BLOOD SUDDENLY SPURTS FROM THE CAVITY AND STRIKES PAT SQUARE IN THE FACE.
PAT STEPS BACK AND WIPES HER FACE UNHURRIEDLY (TO THE EXTENT THAT THE ACTRESS NEEDS TO). ONE OF HER HANDS IS ALREADY BLOODY FROM THE CAVITY.
TOD Dan?
DAN Just pressure, Tod. It needed to come out.
ANN BENDS TO KISS DAN ON THE BROW. HE SQUEEZES HER HAND.
TOD I think what we’ll do is clear some space. (TOD INSERTS BOTH HANDS INTO DAN’S CAVITY) This won’t hurt, Dan. The inner organs are actually quite numb.
DAN It doesn’t hurt, Tod.
TOD IS GATHERING UP DAN’S INTESTINES.
TOD Slippery.
HE RAISES AN ARMFUL OF GLITTERING, TRANSLUCENT INTESTINAL TUBING AND SPILLS IT ONTO THE FLOOR, DOWNSTAGE OF THE TABLE.
PAT We should take our shoes off.
ANN Good thinking.
TOD Be a shame to get them messy.
THE THREE ‘SURGEONS’ REMOVE THEIR SHOES. NO RUSH – THE MUSIC IS BEAUTIFUL, THE TABLEAU IS ENGAGING.
PAT Tod!
TOD What?
PAT It’s not a porno film.
TOD Eh?
PAT You’ve kept your socks on!
TOD Oh!
TOD REMOVES HIS SOCKS.
ANN Good point.
ANN REMOVES HER STOCKINGS.
PAT REMOVES HER STOCKINGS.
THEY ARRANGE THE THREE PAIRS OF SHOES NEATLY TO THE SIDE.
THE ‘SURGEONS’ PAD BAREFOOT THROUGH THE INTESTINES BACK TO THE OPERATING TABLE.
ANN Sorry, Dan.
DAN There’s really no rush.
PAT Are you okay?
DAN Pat, I’m fine. Those tubes…I’ve never particularly liked the idea of them…full of waste. I feel lighter.
TOD You’re a hero.
ANN Shall I go in?
TOD Do. Bit more room to move now.
ANN BENDS OVER DAN’S CAVITY AND SLIDES HER HAND IN.
A SPURT OF BLOOD GUSHES OUT AND HITS HER IN THE FACE.
DAN Ann…what was that?
ANN Nothing, darling. You’re just being yourself.
ANN KISSES DAN ON THE LIPS. THEY KISS (DAN STILL LIES ON HIS BACK) FOR SEVERAL SECONDS.
PAT Is there anything you’d like, Dan?
DAN I’m so comfortable, Pat. I’m light, I’m steady.
TOD Whatever you’ve got, Dan – we should bottle it!
ANN AND PAT LAUGH APPRECIATIVELY.
ANN Darling, I’m going to try again.
DAN That’s good, Ann.
TOD No rush. Take your time.
ANN SEARCHES DAN’S UPPER BODY (STILL STEAMING).
AS SHE DOES SO A FAINT LIGHT SHINES UP FROM WITHIN HIM, SOFTLY IRRADIATING ANN’S FACE.
DAN It’s good. It’s only good. This is how we are. A spark running from the flesh to the flesh. There is so little we need.
ANN EXTRACTS SOME CHUNKS OF GENERAL MEAT AND LUNG AND TOSSES THEM TO THE FLOOR DOWNSTAGE.
TOD Any luck?
ANN Not as such. (SHE CONTINUES TO RUMMAGE) Ah!
TOD What?
ANN Got something.
PAT What’s it like?
ANN Little box…packet. Oh!
SHE MOVES HER ARM SUDDENLY
TOD What?
ANN Slippery.
SHE CONTINUES TO RUMMAGE
PAT Use both hands.
ANN PUTS HER OTHER HAND IN
ANN Aha! Gotcha!
SHE REMOVES BOTH ARMS AND HOLDS UP A SMALL, BLOODSTAINED, FLAT BOX-SHAPED ITEM.
THE MUSIC STOPS.
DAN Well done.
TOD Had to be in there somewhere.
DAN GETS UP AND SLIPS HIS SHIRT AND TROUSERS ON (NO NEED FOR SHOES AND SOCKS).
DAN Sure – but you can’t help thinking what if…
PAT You’d have to go back and look for it.
DAN No way. I’ve got so much to do this week.
PAT What you doing?
DAN Managing bars at a festival. You?
PAT Firearms training.
ANN You should come and see the cricket.
PAT I wish.
TOD I’ve got a matinee on Thursday.
DAN That’s good.
TOD They give you one now and again.
SHORT COUNTRY DANCE WITHOUT MUSIC.
THE END.

2010
Link to Dash #4 in right hand column

A group of volatile people with poor impulse control spend time together in a room. Some of them leave the room in order to carry out unusual tasks. On their return their volatility continues unabated. Such is the instability of the occasion that the fabric of the room itself is affected. The florid design recommendations hereunder were elegantly resolved by the placing of a framed image of a number of butterflies in silhouette on a wall of the room. When the collective psychic temperature approached criticality the butterflies would flutter in their frame.

The characters:
Roy
Mary
Victor
Grace

IT IS NOT CLEAR WHO IS MARRIED TO WHOM.
THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, THE ‘FLUTTERING’ OF FURNITURE, FIXTURES & FITTINGS WILL BE INTRODUCED AT VARIOUS INTENSITIES AT VARIOUS TIMES. (THIS WILL BE THE SUBJECT OF INITIAL DESIGN DISCUSSIONS)
ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE DISCOVERED ON STAGE.

ROY (HAVING NOT ENTERED) I’m back.
MARY Poppet.
VICTOR I am too.
GRACE Cuddlesome.
ROY There is the most cutting person I have met today.
VICTOR Did you brace him?
GRACE Victor!
VICTOR It’s gangland.
MARY Victor – are you in gangs?
GRACE He uses their terminology.
ROY I understood him.
VICTOR Gangs!
THEY ALL DO A MOCK SHIVER OF HORROR THEN LAUGH BRIEFLY BUT NERVOUSLY WITH CONSIDERABLE VOLUME.
PAUSE.
ROY You can’t really physically attack people in an ordinary working situation.
VICTOR I wish that was different.
GRACE The rule?
VICTOR Yes.
MARY They are made for our health and safety.
ROY As a rule.
THEY ALL SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER FOR NO MORE THAN 2 SECONDS. LOUDLY.
PAUSE.
MARY Would anybody like something?
SHE WALKS ABOUT BRISKLY AND PURPOSEFULLY.
VICTOR I’ll get something.
HE WALKS AROUND SEARCHINGLY. FOR A SURPRISINGLY LONG TIME.
A MODEST, INTRODUCTORY FLUTTERING OF FURNITURE COMMENCES (TO BE DETERMINED IN DESIGN DISCUSSIONS)
ROY Is there nothing?
VICTOR There was plenty.
MARY There were biscuits.
VICTOR In particular there were dark biscuits and light ones.
MARY They were arranged interestingly.
ROY Is that possible? To arrange biscuits in such a way?
VICTOR Of course it is, Roy. Have you no imagination?
ROY Of course I have. Everybody has.
GRACE How do you know?
ROY I imagine they have. Bloody hell. Anyway, these biscuits, were they in the sky, with kittens on them?
VICTOR No.
MARY There were laid out: dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light dark light.
ROY Like dominoes.
VICTOR Less chewy.
MARY That was the problem, the more I think of it.
GRACE What?
MARY When you walked past them they would flicker against your eye.
ROY They were visible, in other words.
VICTOR They had the capacity to induce grand mal seizure.
GRACE Grand?
VICTOR Okay – petit.
ROY A fucking biscuit?
VICTOR Roy – had you ever thought that your cynicism closes you to valuable experience?
ROY No.
MARY The body, anxious to protect the mind, would obscure the biscuits.
ROY It would eat them.
VICTOR No. It would turn away from the migraine-inducing array.
ROY I tell you what I’d fucking do.
(NOBODY TAKES HIM UP ON THIS)
I’d fucking eat the dark ones. Or the light ones. Thereby eliminating the photosensitive provocation and relocating its constituents to my stomach.
MARY Anyway – there aren’t any.
GRACE Downer.
MARY Grace.
GRACE It’s street.
VICTOR Bummer. I’m really bummed. There’s fucking nothing.
PAUSE.
ROY I don’t need anything.
PAUSE.
GRACE How’s that?
ROY Huh?
GRACE How do you get by?
PAUSE
ROY I don’t know. I always have. I see the desire and I smooth it down. I ask myself: just what is this lack? Am I the woman under whose skirts the world crawls? I seal myself.
MARY He does.
VICTOR I wish I was like that.
ROY We can’t be like other people, Victor.
VICTOR No.
MARY They’re there already.
VICTOR Yes.
GRACE Yes.
PAUSE.
ROY Can’t have two of everything.
PAUSE.
VICTOR I…I…
GRACE What?
VICTOR I…I…
GRACE Oh.
MARY What if there were two…
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER UNEASILY
GRACE I think I’d be sick.
MARY No.
VICTOR Now?
GRACE I certainly feel it.
ROY Would you like to be sick in my jacket?
ROY TAKES OFF HIS JACKET
MARY Roy. You’re old-fashioned.
ROY It wouldn’t be the first time.
GRACE I’m afraid it’s coming up. (SHE STARTS TO GAG)
VICTOR The sick?
GRACE The recent lunch.
SHE CONTINUES TO GAG.
ROY STANDS BY WITH HIS JACKET.
MARY There need not be two, Grace.
A LOUD BANG (MAROON)
GRACE What if I were to kill this prick that is cutting at your work, Roy?
ROY It would certainly take the scent off me and the suspicion of others.
VICTOR You and I, Roy, could play pool in the hotel all day, taking the looks of people.
MARY Thereby constructing alibis should they be needed in the event of enquiries.
GRACE I’ll rip the fucker up.
ROY Thank you very much, Grace. I’m really very grateful for this murder.
GRACE No – you were a gent when I was about to heave my contents.
MARY Bye bye, darling.
GRACE EXITS
VICTOR The sister of the woman next door is having a baby.
MARY Who is its father, this baby?
VICTOR I.
MARY You.
VICTOR I slipped over and gave her one.
MARY A tiny baby?
VICTOR The shag.
ROY Fuck.
MARY Where did you bang her?
VICTOR Where do you think?
ROY She means ‘in what particular physical location?’
VICTOR The front room.
MARY Where was Rebecca?
ROY The woman next door.
VICTOR Holding my trousers.
ROY Fuck.
MARY Was the television on?
VICTOR It may have been. I was on the job.
ROY I’ve only ever dreamed of shit like that.
VICTOR Roy – you are a dreamer. You said it yourself.
ROY So…
VICTOR It may be that your dreams are extraordinary. They may unfold in worlds in which you step between galaxies, irradiated by impossible desires, your nerves extended to distant suns, your palms full of tiny excited animals.
MARY We may all dream, Roy. Those who do not will endure the grey, cancerous worms that writhe brusquely through their intestines. Their minds are windless plains and their skin is stippled with dry sores.
VICTOR Oddly, Roy, those who do not dream are impelled by the very shapes that they suppress.
ROY In what way, exactly?
MARY They are driven. They are puppets engulfed by the dark.
VICTOR But dreamers are ordinary, Roy. It doesn’t exactly take any effort. We might even say that to dream is to hand over the reins.
ROY In the sense of…
MARY Don’t tell me your imaginings, Roy. I have them too.
VICTOR Open the box, Roy.
MARY Let your muscles do the talking.
ROY I think I’ll take a look next door. Rebecca, was it?
VICTOR Her sister is Elizabeth. Betty.
ROY Right.
ROY EXITS
PAUSE
VICTOR STARTS TO TREMBLE.
SOME OF THE FURNITURE STARTS TO TREMBLE (FOLLOWING DESIGN DISCUSSIONS).
VICTOR I…I…I…I
MARY Dunt gah ner…dunt gah…dunt gahn in…ner…dunt Victor!
VICTOR fff…fff…fff…fff
VICTOR STARTS TO HAVE AN EPILEPTIC SEIZURE.
AS HE THRASHES AROUND HE KICKS A PIECE OF FURNITURE TO PIECES.
MARY TAKES A SMALL PIECE OF FURNITURE AND STICKS IT IN HIS MOUTH.
HE CONTINUES TO KICK AND JERK.
A LOUD BANG (MAROON).
VICTOR IS FINE NOW. HE STANDS UP.
EXHILARATING TRANCE MUSIC KICKS IN.
VICTOR DANCES HAPPILY.
ENTER GRACE. HER LIPSTICK IS SMUDGED AND HER HAIR IS DISHEVELLED.
SHE DANCES WITH VICTOR FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN SHAKES HER HEAD.
THE MUSIC STOPS.
GRACE Okay. I shagged him.
MARY I thought…
GRACE He seemed nice enough.
MARY But…
GRACE Yeah, I know. Then I cut his cock off.
VICTOR Ouch.
GRACE Rather.
MARY Everything?
GRACE Everything that stuck out. He’s a woman now.
VICTOR Fuck.
GRACE PRODUCES A PACKAGE, NEATLY WRAPPED IN NEWSPAPER.
SHE TOSSES IT ONTO THE TABLE.
VICTOR What’s that?
GRACE The cock.
VICTOR Shit.
GRACE I’m a flee from justice now. Cops out there. Guns coming.
MARY Where Roy? Roy gone to other feller place.
VICTOR O crikey O crikey.
MARY Dunt ger Roy. Too late.
ROY SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL OF THE SET ONTO THE STAGE.
MARY Aagh Roy. Aagh Roy.
ROY I found out so much!
VICTOR Okay old friend you?
RUN ‘LA RAGE’ (see below)
AS THE SONG PLAYS, ROY SINGS THE FIRST FOUR LINES OF ‘LA RAGE’ BY THE FRENCH FEMALE RAP ARTIST KENY ARKANA
AS FOLLOWS:
La rage du peuple / La rage du peuple / La rage du peuple / La rage du peuple
(Trans: The rage of the people)
THE CAST ALL JOINS IN AND SINGS THE WORDS ‘LA RAGE’ WHENEVER THEY ARISE IN THE SONG. THEY ARE USED CHORALLY THROUGHOUT TO PUNCTUATE THE SINGER’S LINES.
AS THEY SING THEY STAND IN LINE ABREAST AND MOVE TO THE BEATS IN THE ESTABLISHED MANNER. ONE AFTER THE OTHER, EACH CAST MEMBER WILL STEP DOWNSTAGE, CONTINUING TO DO THE MOVES BUT FACING INTO THE AUDIENCE, THEN RETURNING TO THE LINE.
THEIR MANNER IS NOT AGGRESSIVE – THEY ARE FIRM AND SERENE.
WE WILL DETERMINE THE LENGTH OF THIS EPISODE IN REHEARSAL.
BELOW ARE SOME OF THE LYRICS. WE CAN MARK THEM UP TO INDICATE THE CHORAL INTERJECTIONS.
Ok, on a la rage mais c’est pas celle qui fait baver,
Demande à Fabe, la vie claque comme une semelle sur les pavés
La rage de voir nos buts entravés, de vivre en travers,
la rage gravée depuis bien loin en arrière
La rage d’avoir grandi trop vite quand des adultes volent ton enfance.
PARS !! Imagine un mur et abolis la rage !
Car impossible est cette paix tant voulue,
La rage de voir autant de CRS armés dans nos rues.
La rage de voir ce putain de monde s’autodétruire
Et que ce soit toujours des innocents au centre des tirs,
La rage car c’est l’homme qui a créé chaque mur,
Se barricader de béton, aurait-il peur de la nature ?
La rage car il a oublié qu’il en faisait parti,
désharmonie profonde, mais dans quel monde la Colombe est partie ?
La rage d’être autant balafré par les putains de normes,
Et puis la rage, ouais la rage d’avoir la rage depuis qu’on est môme.
(Refrain )
Parce qu’on a la rage, on restera debout quoi qu’il arrive,
La rage d’aller jusqu’au bout et là où veut bien nous mener la vie,
Parce qu’on a la rage, on pourra plus s’taire ni s’asseoir dorénavant on s’tiendra prêt parce qu’on a la rage, le coeur et la foi !
Parce qu’on a la rage, on restera debout quoi qu’il arrive,
La rage d’aller jusqu’au bout au delà où veut bien nous mener la vie,
Parce qu’on a la rage, rien ne pourra plus nous arrêter, insoumis, sage, marginal, humaniste ou révolté !
THE SOUND IS CUT ABRUPTLY.
THE FURNITURE IS FLUTTERING STEADILY.
ROY SEES THE PACKAGE ON THE TABLE.
ROY What’s that?
GRACE His cock.
ROY Goodness me.
GRACE You can have it.
HE EXAMINES THE PACKAGE, WITHOUT UNWRAPPING IT.
ROY It’s very neatly executed.
GRACE Are you saying I’m a slag?
ROY Quite the reverse. The packaging is very neat.
GRACE But you were surprised. You thought, fuck, I didn’t think that slag was capable of that.
ROY My position is that the handiwork is entirely consistent with the opinion, a high one, that I had formed of your character and potentials.
GRACE I just wanted to clear that up.
ROY LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE BROKEN FURNITURE ON THE FLOOR.
ROY Oh dear.
MARY One of Victor’s turns.
ROY Not very good. Disappointing.
ROY GETS DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND STARTS TO PUSH THE FRAGMENTS OF WOOD INTO PILES, AS IF ABOUT TO CLEAR UP.
MARY No, Roy.
ROY Some of the pieces are very small. I don’t know how I can be expected…
GRACE Use the side of your hand.
ROY How?
GRACE Gather them together.
GRACE GETS DOWN ON HER HANDS AND KNEES AND SHOWS ROY HOW IT CAN BE DONE.
MARY (DISAPPROVINGLY) Grace…
ROY (SHARPLY) Let her do it!
GRACE STANDS UP SLOWLY AND MENACINGLY AND WALKS OVER TO MARY
GRACE Let me fucking do it.
MARY Get your fucking face out of my fucking face!
GRACE Listen, cunt…
MARY Don’t call me a cunt, slag !
ROY Let her fucking do it!
VICTOR Back off, Roy!
ROY STANDS UP SLOWLY AND MENACINGLY AND WALKS OVER TO VICTOR
ROY I’m normally placid, Victor.
VICTOR I noticed, Roy, I fucking noticed.
ROY I’m holding myself in.
MARY Don’t piss about with him, Roy.
ROY I’ve barely fucking begun.
VICTOR Fuck with me anytime, Roy. No need to send a letter.
ROY You couldn’t fucking read it, Victor.
GRACE SUDDENLY PUNCHES MARY.
MARY CRIES OUT.
THE TWO WOMEN STRUGGLE.
ROY (TO MARY) You tried to stop me tidying, bitch!
VICTOR (TO GRACE) It’s a slippery slope, Grace!
GRACE STOPS STRUGGLING FOR A MOMENT.
GRACE What?
VICTOR Tidying! It’s not the answer! It’s to do with your self!
GRACE Fuck OFF, Victor, you fucking dipshit! With your fucking hippy bollocks! My fucking arse knows more than you!
VICTOR Pardon me – I thought I was talking to your arse!
ROY PUNCHES VICTOR
GRACE AND MARY RESUME THEIR STRUGGLE
ROY Remember, Victor, you made me do this.
HE PRODS HIS FINGERS INTO VICTOR’S EYES.
VICTOR STAGGERS BACK, ROARING AND COVERING HIS EYES WITH HIS HANDS. BLOOD RUNS FROM BETWEEN HIS FINGERS.
VICTOR I’m blind!
ROY That’s because you fucked your mother!
MARY Now he’ll never see his longlost twin!
VICTOR What?
MARY Robert.
GRACE Who’s Robert?
MARY Victor’s twin that he’s never seen since birth is called Robert.
ROY Where’s he been, this Robert?
MARY In this town!
GRACE No!
MARY When Victor and Robert were born their father…
ROY Name?
MARY Rex.
VICTOR That’s correct.
MARY It is. Rex said he had only had intercourse with Victor’s mother…
VICTOR Gwen.
MARY If I may continue…
VICTOR I was trying to help.
MARY Thank you. Rex said he only had intercourse with Gwen on one occasion.
ROY Ever?
MARY Apparently.
ROY Perhaps he took her up the arse. On other occasions.
VICTOR Nobody fucks my mother up the arse!
ROY That’s not what she told me.
GRACE (ADMONISHINGLY) Roy!
VICTOR I’d kill you if I could see you, Roy.
MARY Rex believed that you could only have one baby per penetrative episode. He was not familiar with the monozygotic or dizygotic anomaly.
VICTOR He was a fine man.
ROY He fucked your mother, Victor.
VICTOR Daddy would’t do that!
GRACE Where is Robert now?
MARY Rex gave him a map and some sandwiches and told him to fuck off out. He said his resemblance to Victor was coincidental but unacceptable. He suspected Gwen of getting a bit on the side.
VICTOR Robert! I’ll never see him!
MARY He’s been living in the next street. The problem was that he looked so like Victor nobody noticed.
VICTOR Robert!
ROY Look at it this way, Victor. You don’t need to see him. He looks just like you.
MARY Strikingly so.
ROY So what’s it like losing your sight, Robert?
SCREAMS. FLUTTERING. NOISE. END.

2010

Completists are advised that this version of the playlet features extensions to the 2008 original, in order that it could open ‘Dash Dash Dash’, a season of  six short but thematically linked works presented one at a time on a monthly basis at the Battersea Arts Centre in 2009. The plays were not episodes in a serial, nor did they constitute a continuous narrative. 

Themes of parallel universes/the multiverse/quantum physics are bandied about in some of the dialogue and echoed in various repetitions of the characters’ behaviour and the use of certain structural elements in the set. The possibility is raised that when we think about doing something a universe is created in which that thing is done. Another popular parallel universe notion is of the world that is almost identical to the origin world apart from insignificant details here and there. The playlet speculates on physical problems that might be experienced by travellers between worlds.

The characters:
Angela – an adventuress with links to an intelligence agency.
Betty – Angela’s identical twin sister, in some ways just as resourceful as Angela.
Roger – possibly Angela’s partner; possibly Angela’s control. He has an identical twin brother called Roy, who is a sexually predatory psychopath.
Alex – a friend of Angela and Roger; possibly an English-speaking inhabitant either of a parallel world or a hitherto undiscovered and remote geographical location.

It should be noted that Angela and Betty – despite being identical twins – are played by different actresses (Jude Barrington and Bernadette Russell) while Roger and Roy are played by one actor (Chris Newland). Alex may be two identical people who are both versions of Alex, played by one actor (Gareth Brierley).

The lighting:
1. Monochrome – some scenes will be lit with monochrome washes such as red, blue, green etc.
2. Off-Set – some scenes will be lit brightly and baldly, revealing the territory adjacent to the set in addition to the set itself.
3. On-Set – other scenes will be lit in a ‘normal’, non-monochrome way.
When monochrome of a particular colour is applied to a scene the colour itself should not be seen as particularly significant.

The music:
it is likely that a low, electronic drone will run throughout the show (possibly from the ambient work of ‘The Caretaker’). This will add a degree of underlying menace to the scenes. It will, however, be supplemented by other types of music, such as trance, hard house, terrorcore, film sound track, baroque and other classical.

Scene 1
LIGHTING: ON-SET
IN SILENCE: AS HER SKIRTS REPEATEDLY SWIRL ANGELA PRESSES FIRST ALEX THEN ROGER TO HER BOSOM IN FOND FAREWELL. A BIT DANCE-LIKE. IT IS AS IF MANY ADVENTURES HAVE BEEN VENTURED AND NOW THE COMRADES MUST PART AT LAST. AN EMOTIONAL ENDING TO A CLUSTER OF SAGAS THAT THE AUDIENCE MAY WISH THEY HAD SEEN. PERHAPS THEY WILL. BUT THIS SEQUENCE STRONGLY RESEMBLES THE END OF A PLAY.
AFTER ONE MORE LINGERING EMBRACE THE TWO MEN LEAVE.
ANGELA IS ALONE. SHE SITS.
ANGELA Ha! Roger! Alex! And I (Angela)!

(Note: It is conceivable that, like James Joyce’s ‘Finnegan’s Wake’ and the M25, Dash Dash Dash has a formal circularity, whereby this brief scene eventually closes the entire crazy journey upon which we are about to embark.) (Writer’s retrospective note: It didn’t.)

Scene 2
LIGHTING: ON-SET
THROUGHOUT THE ENSUING DIALOGUE SEQUENCE MUSIC IS PLAYED.
Music: Corelli – Concerto da Chiesa No 8 in G minor
THE SET SHOULD ACCOMMODATE THE FOLLOWING POSSIBILITY: WHEN ANGELA IS WALKING WITH THE MEN ALL THREE SHOULD BE ABLE TO EXIT THEN IMMEDIATELY REAPPEAR WITH BETTY IN ANGELA’S PLACE.
THE MEN DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE SWITCHES. AFTER ALL, THE TWO WOMEN ARE IDENTICAL TWINS.
THE ACTRESS SHOULD ALSO BE ABLE TO RUN ROUND THE BACK OF THE SET IN ORDER TO BE SWITCHED FROM THE OTHER SIDE LATER IN THIS SCENE.
THIS WILL BE DONE A COUPLE OF TIMES IN THE SCENE (INDICATED IN THE SCRIPT), WHICH WILL END WITH ANGELA ON STAGE AND BETTY OFF.
ROGER AND ALEX ENTER.
A MOMENT LATER ANGELA ENTERS.
ALEX SHOUTS DELIGHTEDLY AND HUGS ANGELA. IT IS AS IF ANGELA IS RETURNING AFTER A LONG TIME AWAY.
ROGER TOO IS DELIGHTED AND HUGS ANGELA. THEY EACH TAKE ONE OF ANGELA’S HANDS AND EXCITEDLY WALK UP AND DOWN WITH HER. IT IS AS IF A PLAY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.
THE FRIENDS ARE VITAL AND ENCHANTING. THEY TOUCH EACH OTHER AFFECTIONATELY FROM TIME TO TIME.
ANGELA Now it’s all behind me! The places!
ALEX We thought…
ROGER The good things first!
ANGELA The hill villages, the plage, the general feeling of groups of people very much in love struggling through on board ship.
ALEX We thought…
ANGELA What did you think, darling?
ROGER I think we thought you’d gone…
ALEX CHOKES BACK A TEAR.
ANGELA Oh, Alex!
FIRST SWITCH: ANGELA SWEEPS ALEX OFF STAGE, EXITING THROUGH A DOOR IN THE SET.
ALEX IMMEDIATELY RE-ENTERS WITH BETTY.
ALEX Now we can really start.
ROGER Now that everything is over.
ALEX Tell us about the islands.
BETTY Some days soot and mud. Other days flowers.
ROGER Did it drive you mad?
BETTY I liked the variety. The problem was being followed all the time. Or feeling that.
SECOND SWITCH: BETTY MOVES OFF STAGE, FOLLOWED BY ALEX.
ANGELA RE-ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY ALEX.
ALEX Were you? Followed?
ANGELA (LAUGHING) You’d see the boats out there. The people were hard to make out. Sometimes one of them would be washed ashore though. Then you’d see them. Bloated. Grinning through dead lips. Their spines torn out.
ROGER But you got away. You made it all the way back to Combray.
THE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.
ANGELA I’d love a sweet biscuit now.
ROGER AND ALEX EXIT.

Scene 3
LIGHTING: OFF-SET, BRIGHT.
AS ANGELA SITS, A DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND, FROM THE OPPOSITE SIDE TO THE EARLIER EXITS (Scene 1), THERE ENTERS ALEX.
HE MOVES TOWARDS ANGELA BUT CONTINUES TO DOWNSTAGE CENTRE, CLOSE TO THE AUDIENCE.
VERY LOUD, POUNDING TRANCE MUSIC IS SNAPPED IN.
ALEX DANCES ENERGETICALLY AND CHEERFULLY FOR A NUMBER OF SECONDS UNTIL STOPPING ABRUPTLY AS THE MUSIC IS CUT.
ANGELA Alex!
THE SAME DOOR BURSTS OPEN AGAIN AND ROGER ENTERS.
VERY LOUD, POUNDING TRANCE MUSIC IS SNAPPED IN.
ROGER DANCES ENERGETICALLY AND DETERMINEDLY FOR A NUMBER OF SECONDS UNTIL STOPPING ABRUPTLY AS THE MUSIC IS CUT.
ANGELA Roger!
ROGER Angela – your shapes are the talk of the town and its side streets! Will you throw some?
ANGELA DANCES ENERGETICALLY AND INVENTIVELY FOR A NUMBER OF SECONDS, TO THE SOUND OF POUNDING TRANCE MUSIC, UNTIL STOPPING ABRUPTLY AS THE MUSIC IS CUT.
(Note: While the Director will certainly give notes to the Actors concerning the manner of their dancing in this scene, he will stress that variations on personal idiosyncrasies of style are more the biscuit than polished passages of discotheque simulation.)

Scene 4
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ALEX (TO HIMSELF) What if…say, I were to do something, then, as if on a whim, quite suddenly and abruptly, decided not to do it. In fact, I never did it. Not because there was anything wrong with it. Not because I particularly had an attitude to it. It could be something quite important or quite minor. I would halt at the very brink, the very brim, almost tipping into it. Would that do it? Would it set something up?
ROGER ENTERS
ROGER How would you know? It might do it – but there’s no way of telling. It’s a luxury – the argument, I mean – you can say what you want and never be wrong.
ALEX They have no word for ‘Wendy’.
ROGER What?
ALEX When they say it there’s just a terrible noise.
ROGER From their mouths?
ALEX Partly. And in the air. Quite separate from the mouth. Birds fall from the sky.
ROGER I notice, Alex, that no such phenomena accompany your own voicing of the problematic word.
ALEX I’ve explained this to you many times, Roger.
ROGER So you have, so you have.

Scene 5
LIGHTING: ON-SET
ANGELA When I think about the children I want to die.
ROGER You want to die before you die?
ANGELA (ACKNOWLEDGING THE ABSURDITY) I know.
ROGER You worry about how they’ll be.
ANGELA Well, of course. What else? At the moment they don’t have a clue.
ROGER When do you want to tell them?
ANGELA I don’t want to tell them!
ROGER We’ll both tell them.
ANGELA I just…can’t. I want a door to open up. I want to be swallowed.
ANGELA AND ROGER TURN AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND SMILE WARMLY AT THE AUDIENCE AS A SPECIAL LIGHT COMES ON DIRECTLY ABOVE THEM AND GROWS STEADILY IN BRILLIANCE.
THEY LOOK UPWARDS TO THE LIGHT AND SHIELD THEIR EYES WHEN IT BECOMES UNCOMFORTABLY BRIGHT. (THIS EFFECT MIGHT BE HEIGHTENED BY FADING ALL OTHER LIGHTS.)
THE OVERHEAD SPECIAL SNAPS OFF.
VERY BRIEF BLACKOUT (DURING WHICH A PERSONNEL SWITCH IS EFFECTED) FOLLOWED BY A SINGLE BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT. IT REVEALS BETTY AND ROGER SITTING NEUTRALLY TOGETHER.

Scene 6
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ALEX I didn’t like her breath. It was milky.
ROGER Were you particularly close?
ALEX I didn’t know her. That was the point.
ROGER What I actually meant was were you physically close to her? So that you could smell her.
ALEX Does it matter? It was milky. She was…uneasy.
ROGER Of course she bloody was. She had shit down her legs.
ALEX I didn’t notice.
ROGER But you noticed her breath.

Scene 7
LIGHTING: ON-SET
ANGELA My brief was to go upriver, to the islands. One of our people was impregnating natives at the rate of three a week. Not a good thing, need I say? The crew was composed of degenerates – one of them shot a puppy. At one point we drank the water. Big mistake. Pissing though our arses. One’s grasp faltered. We debarked and trekked inland. For eight weeks. Fucking big country. Sometimes it was dark in the daytime. What can you say about that? At least I didn’t have to shave. Not a sign of the guy. A coconut fell on our compass. GPS – it’s a terrific idea but we didn’t have the requisite thing. Frank took his trousers off so he could shit whilst walking along. It was increasingly hard to feel ladylike.

Scene 8
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ALEX When…when…when… we were taking the car back to…to…to…to…
ALEX CONTINUES TO STUTTER AT SOME LENGTH. HE TRIES TO BREAK THE CYCLE BUT DOES NOT SHOW UNDUE ANXIETY.
THERE IS A DEAFENING BANG (THEATRICAL MAROON).
BETTY They’re so shit! They can’t even say fucking ‘WENDY’!
ANOTHER DEAFENING BANG, FOLLOWED BY LOUD DRONE MUSIC (MAYBE ‘THE CARETAKER’) AND SNAP BLACKOUT, DURING WHICH A PERSONNEL SWITCH TAKES PLACE (ANGELA REPLACES BETTY).
THE MUSIC CONTINUES AS THE LIGHTS SNAP BACK, DISCOVERING ANGELA STANDING CLOSE TO THE SEATED ALEX. SHE COUGHS VIOLENTLY AND SPITS BLOOD ALL OVER HIS FACE.
ALEX (UNPERTURBED) …the dockside. In those days you’d drive onto a rope net attached to a big high up crane, well, probably not so big by today’s standards where bigness is so advanced, and they’d gather up the net and the car would go up in the air and across to the boat then down into the hold. That was how you moved cars in those days. Off you’d go! To Sweden on one occasion. Gothenburg, in fact. Or ‘Yurtaborg’ (HE MANGLES THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION) as they say it in Yurtaborg or Yurtaborg as they say it in Yurtaborg
Note: We will ask a Swedish person about this. Does anyone know one?

Scene 9
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ROGER When these people get down below twenty metres their lungs start to compress. At sixty metres they’re down to the size of a fist. Sometimes they bleed from the ears. I’m not against it. People used to say ‘Roger, you should fucking relax’ and I’d say ‘For what fucking reason?’ and they’d say ‘It can’t be good to be going about with all the muscles clenched’ and I’d say ‘Why not? Why the fuck not? Who actually said in the first place? Where is your evidence? Is this scientific? Or is it some fucking whimsy? Some fucking little tale that no one knows where it came from but they all fucking believe it, as if they were fucking scientists with a degree from fucking Edinburgh University in fucking Human Physiology, no, in Higher fucking Unclenching … Disclenching…where you let go…
BETTY …and we saw a 58, that were good, then an oh oh nine, that were champion, then a four four four, that was a little repetitive, then a 6C, that was super, then not one not two not three not four but five small F11s, in serial packets, that rocked, then, as if we were not already sated with quite so much, a cluster of yellow 10s pockmarked prettily with what looked like rat shit.
ROGER How will we tell?
BETTY He’ll put a foot wrong. Then we will done for him.
ROGER For him it’s a game it’s. As soon as we have him he’ll vanish.

Scene 10
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ALEX When I first saw you both I felt you had no weight. You seemed to float.
ANGELA Was that bad?
ALEX I wanted to put my hand through you.
BETTY Isn’t that quite saucy?
A DEAFENING BANG.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS SNAP ON, TO A LOW LEVEL, DISCOVERING ANGELA, BETTY, ALEX AND ROGER, IN A LINE ABREAST, DANCING DELIGHTEDLY TO PLEASANT SWIRLING TRANCE.
Note: The actors will be encouraged to smile genuinely and winningly throughout this sequence. Their expressions will suggest a joyous and attractive ease.

Scene 11
ON-SET
BETTY He says he wants to help me. But for the kids it’s. He don’t want to know it. Not himself.
ALEX So you helpin him helpin you.
BETTY He need the help. He can’t bear to tell.

Scene 12
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ROGER IS AT HIS DESK AT MI5, WHERE SPYING IS DONE. SEATED BEFORE HIM IS ANGELA.
ROGER We’re getting news of certain effects, Betty. It’s hard to know what sort of a box to put them in. Guinness thinks it’s a social sort of thing, sort of social breakdown. Stella tends to some kind of fracture in the fabric of reality. Whatever the bloody hell that means.
ANGELA Reality is a language, Roger.
ROGER Really? I wish I bloody spoke it, then.
ANGELA I’ve always considered you fluent.
ROGER How are the headaches?
ANGELA Do you want to play doctors, Roger?
ROGER No, Betty. I wanted to talk about your sister.
ANGELA Angela.
ROGER Yes.
ANGELA I’m told we’re very alike.
ROGER I wouldn’t know. What interests me is that you’re physically identical. I’m going to need you to persuade her to work with us.
ANGELA Shall I get her in?
ROGER If you would.
ANGELA EXITS.
ANGELA COMES RIGHT BACK IN AGAIN, THROUGH ANOTHER DOOR.
ROGER Angela! How are you?
ANGELA Very well, Roger. Nice place.
ROGER Keeps the rain off.
AFTER FOUR REPEATS THE SCENE CHANGES TO…

Scene 13
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
BETTY What?
ALEX I said ‘Hello’.
BETTY And you said ‘I said’.
ALEX Yes.
BETTY And ‘Yes’.
ALEX Yes.
BETTY FAINTS.
ALEX CATCHES HER.

Scene 14
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
BETTY My brief was to go upriver, to the islands. I would be disguised as Angela and I would attempt to seduce Roger’s twin brother Roy, who had gone rogue. Apparently his penchant for sexual intercourse had led him into practices that verged almost on amateur surgery. Not unreasonably the islanders wanted something done. Roy, however, was a fractured, complex character with an intermittent grasp of reality. Roger, with whom I had briefly had intercourse some years ago, thought that Roy, who had been enamoured of my twin sister Angela more recently, could be made vulnerable were I to appear to hold out to him the possibility of getting his leg over. Unlike Angela, I have martial arts and, given the physical resemblance that some find uncanny, although it is, let’s be frank, only the standard monozygotic anomaly, could look after myself if Roy, once drawn, started to ‘have a laugh’, as he chillingly puts it.

Scene 15
LIGHTING: OFF-SET, BRIGHT
ANGELA (STUTTERING FIERCELY BUT WITHOUT ANXIETY) Ah…ah…ah… ah…ah… ah…ah… ah…ah… ah…ah…ack…ack… ack…ack… ack… ack… ack…ack…vvv…vvv… vvv…vvv…vvv…vvv… vvv…vvv…vvv…vvv

Scene 16
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ANGELA He spoke English!
ALEX That’s not possible. It’s simply not.
SAD MUSIC OVER…
ANGELA And I wept.
ALEX Why?
ANGELA We’d come so far. Beyond the maps. Shit down our legs.
ALEX But if it was off the maps…
ANGELA I don’t know! My God, Alex, if I understood it I’d bloody tell you!
SHE DRINKS FROM A MUG
ALEX So he…they…must have got there first…some other expedition…a private one. Surely.
ANGELA COUGHS VIOLENTLY AND COVERS ALEX’S FACE IN BLOOD. HE IS UNPERTURBED.

Scene 17
LIGHTING: ON-SET
ROGER It’s a game. But it’s not playful. People use it without realising it. It constitutes a thorough challenge to Freudian thinking. It undermines the most basic and well established assumptions about identity and individual responsibility. Our scientists are within months of effecting passage. But there is already resistance in the form of leakage from the places that had assumed that passage was impossible. They are sending their people through in order to scupper us.
ALEX I think you’re feeling a little paranoid.
ROGER That’s what they always say, isn’t it?
ALEX That’s what they always say.
ROGER No, that’s what they always say.
ALEX No, that’s what they always say.
ROGER Alex…they sent you through, though, didn’t they?
ALEX No, they didn’t.
ROGER Yes, they did.
ALEX I know who you are, Roger.

Scene 18
LIGHTING: MONOCHROME
ROGER I’ll spell it out. The play – it appeared as a play first – came out in 1904. Before that time the name did not exist. In 1905 Einstein published, in the Annalen der Physik, four ground-breaking papers: (SAD MUSIC) Uber einen die Erzeugung und Verwandlung des Lichtes betreffenden heuristichen Gesichtspunkt; Uber die von der molekular-kinetischen Theorie der Warme gerforderte Bewegung von in ruhenden Flussigkeiten suspendierten Teilchen; Zur Elektrodynamik bewegter Korper and Ist die Tragheit eines Korpers von Seinem Energieinhalt abhangig? To translate: On a Heuristic Viewpoint Concerning the Production and Transformation of Light; On the Motion of Small Particles Suspended in a Stationary Liquid, as Required by the Molecular Kinetic Theory of Heat; On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies and Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?
(END SAD MUSIC)
LIGHTS TO ON-SET
The shit hit the fan. Hadn’t been such an upheaval since the days of Robert Newton. We’re still some way from Everett, mind you. The multi thing. He didn’t make a mark till ’57. However, we can speculate – or rather, they can speculate, because, frankly, I don’t understand a fucking word of it – that when something like this comes along it makes a big ripple, and not just down the fucking pub.
ANGELA What…it can move across?
ROGER Maybe. Everything is possible.
ANGELA That’s vague.
ROGER I said, suddenly, everything is possible. Usually it isn’t.
ANGELA And Wendy?
ROGER Look: Barrie was a pervy little runt. But socially connected. He knew all the writers and he also knew the scientists. Who knows what he might have pulled off?
ANGELA So you think Alex…
ROGER Yes, I do. Increasingly.

Scene 19
LIGHTING: OFF-SET
ALEX DANCES IN A JOLLY, NON-SLICK MANNER TO SOME BANGING BEATS.
ANGELA (SHE MAKES CLICKING, GRUNTING NOISES, AS IF SPEAKING SOME OBSCURE LANGUAGE)
ALEX I’m sorry..?
ANGELA What?
ALEX I didn’t understand…
ANGELA But how do you understand me?
ALEX Well…we speak the same language…
ANGELA When did you get here?
ALEX I live here.
ANGELA How long?
ALEX I was born here.
ANGELA Where were your parents from?
ALEX They were born here.
ANGELA Where were their parents from?
ALEX They were born here.
ANGELA Where were their parents from?
ALEX They were born here.
ANGELA Do you have a society?
ALEX Of course. Do you?
ANGELA Of course. Thousands of miles away.
ALEX It’s nice here.
ANGELA My legs are covered in shit.
ALEX That’s okay. You can stay here if you want.
ANGELA Do you have a house like mine?
ALEX Very like yours. Very like it.
ANGELA Do you know Roger?
ALEX I know his brother Roy.

Scene 20
ON-SET
ROY IS POSING AS ROGER.
ROY (TO BETTY) Did you have to fuck him?
BETTY Uhuh.
ANGELA Sis!
BETTY It was a loss leader.
ROY What about Alex?
ALEX What about me?
ROY What have you been thinking about?
ALEX Nothing much.
ROY Good.
ANGELA What about Roy?
ROY It was a question of directness. Not deciding to do something without actually doing it, thereby avoiding the creation of a universe in which that thought – the one you didn’t act on – was acted on.
BETTY Please don’t, Roger. I find it all faintly psychotic.
ANGELA Betty – what if..?
BETTY Roger! Your brother wanted to kill you, didn’t he?
ROY I’m afraid he did.
ANGELA He wanted a world in which you had never existed…
ANGELA AND BETTY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN HORROR AS IT SLOWLY DAWNS ON THEM THAT THEY ARE IN ROY’S WORLD NOW.
ANGELA & BETTY Roy!
ALEX YELLS IN TERROR
LIGHTS TO MONOCHROME
ROY I need your help. I come from a place where the things you abhor are considered perfectly conventional. As for the values that you uphold here, I find them utterly debasing. I fear that unless I can effect passage I may commit, without malice, acts that you will find atrocious.
ANGELA MOVES TOWARDS ROY, APPARENTLY ABOUT TO EMBRACE HIM SYMPATHETICALLY.
ANGELA They’re just thoughts…
BETTY Fuck that!
BETTY PUSHES ANGELA OFF COURSE AND IS ABOUT TO ATTACK ROY.
ALEX Don’t touch him!
ROY What do you know, Alex?
ALEX Can he say ‘Wendy’?
ANGELA (ACCUSATIVELY) Roger?
BETTY (ACCUSATIVELY) Roy?
ROY I don’t think you’d like me to say it.
BETTY Bollocks.
ROY TURNS SLOWLY TOWARDS BETTY.
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH WIDE.
A TERRIBLE, DEAFENING, GROANING ROAR COMES FROM HIS THROAT.
A DEEP, SHUDDERING BASS DRONE IS MIXED INTO IT.
ANGELA, BETTY AND ALEX SCREAM IN TERROR.
SLOW FADE TO BLACK.
THE ROAR FADES.
THE BASS DRONE CONTINUES FOR A FEW SECONDS LONGER.
THEN SILENCE.
END

2010

(A retrospective note: I often thought that given many audience members found the playlet confusing, then Scene 6 must surely be the most perplexing of all. My intention was simply to use this scene to demonstrate what kind of play you were not watching. It obtruded like a sore thumb and would ideally prompt the viewer to think ‘This should be amputated’. I suspect that some audience members may well have had that thought but found it irritating rather than significant.)(2019))

Link to Dash #2 in right hand column

This playlet was directly inspired by Martin Arnold’s remarkable 12 minute film Passage a L’acte (1993). The film uses a short sequence from Robert Mulligan’s To Kill a Mockingbird (1962), starring Gregory Peck, as found footage and subjects it to highly repetitive cutting that generates cascades of very short moments and gestures. The technique isolates micromoments in a domestic scene featuring a family at table, expanding them so that they seem to uncover unexpressed tensions and resentments. The sound track of the film is also cut to the repeated frames of the original so that a persistent clicking and banging is augmented by short screams, cries and wails as mouths open and reopen, doors are closed endlessly and family members rock restlessly to and fro. The film is spellbinding and hypnotic.

In the live performance that we produced the actors rocked and twitched constantly and precisely, as though hardwired to a metronome. This magnified the animosity between the Hamlet characters and endowed their exchanges with both a modern neuroticism and a relationship with mythical figures doomed to eternal repetition, such as Tantalus, Prometheus or Sisyphus.

THIS IS AN OUTLINE OF SOME ACTIVITIES THAT WOULD TAKE ONLY A COUPLE OF MINUTES TO ENACT IN REAL TIME.
IT IS A BASIS FOR REAL TIME IMPROVISATION THAT, IN REHEARSAL, WILL GENERATE MORE DETAIL.
ONCE WE HAVE A GOOD SEQUENCE WE WILL FIX THE DETAIL AND WORK ON SLOWING THE ACTION RIGHT DOWN.
THIS IS NOT, HOWEVER, AN EXERCISE IN SLOW MOTION. IT IS BETTER TO REGARD THE STYLE OF MOVEMENT AS A MEANS OF EXAMINING SMALL INTERPERSONAL EXCHANGES IN SUCH A WAY THAT THEY DISCLOSE TENSIONS AND DIFFICULTIES THAT WOULD NOT BE APPARENT IF THEY WERE OBSERVED IN THE NORMAL WAY.
ATTENTION IS DRAWN TO SIGNIFICANT EXCHANGES BY MULTIPLE REPETITION. THE LATTER WOULD NOT BE PRESENT IF THE SEQUENCE WERE SPEEDED UP – WE ARE DELIBERATELY SELECTING CERTAIN MOMENTS AND AMPLIFYING THEM VIA REPETITION.
THE EFFECT CAN BE COMPARED TO A TAPE LOOP THAT REPEATS A MOMENT IN A VERY SHORT EVENT THEN GRADUALLY MOVES TO THE NEXT MOMENT. THE REPEATS ARE PERHAPS ONLY ONE OR TWO SECONDS IN DURATION.
AT NO POINT IS ANY CHARACTER PERFECTLY STILL. ALTHOUGH THERE WILL BE PASSAGES WHEN FOCUS IS OFF A PARTICULAR CHARACTER, S/HE WILL ALWAYS BE PART OF A GROUP WHOSE MEMBERS CONSTANTLY REACT, OFTEN IN THE TINIEST OF WAYS, TO WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND THEM.
DIALOGUE IS ALSO SUBJECTED TO EXTREME ANALYSIS: SYLLABLES ARE MULTIPLY REPEATED AND TIME IS EXCESSIVELY STRETCHED.
SOUND: THE PINGING OF A SUBMARINE ASDIC AS THE AUDIENCE ENTERS AND UNTIL THE FIRST LIGHTING CUE.

The performance text below takes 3 minutes to read but lasts for six times longer on stage.

Summary of the scene which is broken into moments that are, in turn, expressed as cascades of micromoments:

GERTRUDE AND HAMLET ARE SEATED.
SHE SMILES UNEASILY AT HIM.
HE TURNS AWAY FROM HER DISDAINFULLY.
SHE EXTENDS HER ARM TOWARDS HIM AND STARTS TO SPEAK.
GERTRUDE Would you like…?
HAMLET SHAKES HIS HEAD ANGRILY.
ENTER CLAUDIUS.
HE SMILES AT GERTRUDE. THEY EXCHANGE CAUTIOUS BUT AMOROUS GLANCES.
CLAUDIUS SEES HAMLET. HE TRIES TO LOOK AS IF HE IS PLEASED TO SEE HIS NEPHEW.
CLAUDIUS Hey…
HAMLET FIXES CLAUDIUS WITH AN UNWAVERING, ANGRY GAZE.
CLAUDIUS STOPS SPEAKING, MOVES TO HAMLET AND IS ABOUT TO EMBRACE HIM. HAMLET TURNS AWAY.
CLAUDIUS GLANCES UNEASILY AT GERTRUDE.
GERTRUDE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO – SHE RAISES HER HEAD, LOOKS AT HAMLET, FORCES A SMILE. THE SMILE FADES TO A LOOK OF DEFEAT AND CONSTERNATION.
THE CHARACTERS STEW IN THEIR DISCOMFORT FOR A WHILE.
ENTER OPHELIA.
ALL TURN TO WATCH HER ENTRY.
SHE CAUSES CONSTERNATION IN ALL PRESENT.
SHE TURNS TO HAMLET AND STARTS TO SPEAK
OPHELIA What have you done?
HAMLET I wasn’t…I didn’t…
SHE TURNS TO GERTRUDE
OPHELIA He won’t…
GERTRUDE No, no…
SHE TURNS TO CLAUDIUS
OPHELIA My Da…
CLAUDIUS Don’t…
SHE TURNS TO HAMLET
OPHELIA My Da…
HAMLET No, no…
SHE WALKS AWAY FROM HIM.
SHE TURNS AND COMES BACK TOWARDS HIM.
OPHELIA Given the existence as uttered…
GERTRUDE He’s not coming…
CLAUDIUS Chump. Off his chump…
OPHELIA STARTS TO WAIL.
THE OTHERS ARE DISTRESSED BY HER DISTRESS.
THEY ALL START TO SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME.
THE RESULT IS A CONSTANTLY BROKEN CHORUS OF SYLLABLES AS LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE DOWN AND THE PINGING ASDIC SLOWLY FADES UP.
END

2010

In 2010 I was asked, as part of my ongoing employment on the Theatre Design course at Wimbledon College of Arts / University of the Arts London, to work with students on a version of ‘Hamlet’.  This would be part of an annual ‘Renaissance Project’ in which a play, usually by Shakespeare, would be analysed in depth by tutors then  designed and presented in the form ot two short performance pieces, one for each half of the year group. The performances would be performed by professional actors and directed by a theatre professional. Student designers would be responsible for set, costumes, lighting and stage management, monitored by their tutors and technicians.

I had had a distaste for Shakespears since  the age of 18 and this had not softened in the intervening decades (or, at the time of writing this introduction, up to and including 2005 and probably until my death). I asked the theatre designer Michael Pavelka, my  boss, if I could rewrite scenes from the plays so that they acquired something of the maximal minimality and constructive vulgarisation that characterised my writing. Michael said Sure, just keep the students busy. I had first been asked in 2002 to work on this project and at the point where I wrote Just the Desserts I had written 14 short plays, two per year, each one about 20 minutes long. The texts were usually written in two to three days and rehearsals, in the WCA Theatre, totalled about nine hours over two to three days. The shows were performed once,  to all the students on the three year Theatre, Costume Design and Technical Arts courses.

The play references the ‘Hamlet’ play-within-a-play (Act III, Scene II) but it is not clear, in this version, which is the outer and which is the inner. There may also be plays within the play-within-a play. 

The play-within-a-play is called ‘The Murder of Gonzago’ but Hamlet calls it ‘The Mousetrap’. (See also here re the playlet ‘Elsinore Hotel’.)

We gather that Maurice King is put out by the murder of his father by his uncle Roger King who is now enjoying marital relations with Silvia King, Maurice’s mother. Tatty, Maurice’s lover, is losing her reason.

Cast:
Roger King / Claudius – Gareth Brierley
Silvia King / Gertrude – Jude Barrington
Maurice King / Hamlet – Simon Brandon
Tatty Polandottir / Ophelia – Samantha Paige

ROGER Mother.
SILVIA Father.
MAURICE Mother.
TATTY Maurice.
MAURICE Uncle.
SILVIA Tatty.
TATTY What?
LONG PAUSE
ROGER Fuck.
SILVIA Why?
ROGER What?
SILVIA Why?
ROGER Why what?
SILVIA Why fuck?
ROGER Why fuck?
SILVIA Yeah.
ROGER General shit, I suppose.
TATTY What’s up, Mister King?
ROGER (GUARDEDLY) Never felt better.
MAURICE (DARKLY) That’s nice.
SILVIA You seem better, Tatty. Taking an interest in others.
TATTY Actually, Silvia, I’m fucked.
SILVIA Oh dear.
TATTY Part of the fucked thing is moments of okay.
MAURICE Such as now.
TATTY You’re very kind.
MAURICE Not as a matter of course.
TATTY You’re very kind to suggest that now is a moment of okay.
MAURICE Good. Fine. Am I supposed to be able to tell?
ROGER You did kill her Dad.
MAURICE Accident, Roger!
ROGER I’m just saying.
SILVIA She’s obviously still upset.
PAUSE
(TO MAURICE) Call him Uncle.
MAURICE In order to please who?
ROGER Whom.
LONG PAUSE
MAURICE I thought it was somebody else.
ROGER Who?
PAUSE
MAURICE Riffraff. You know. Opportunistic bypasser. Wandering.
ROGER All very sad. No wonder I said fuck.
SILVIA Yes. No. I did wonder. As you saw.
SHIFT 1
MAURICE (TO TATTY) Okay?
TATTY Only in the sense that I live and breath. In the sense that my arms are coming out of my shoulders, my legs are coming out of my pelvis.
MAURICE I’m really very sorry.
TATTY Of course you’re sorry. You feel bad. You feel terrible. You cannot change what you did. You will live with it for the rest of your life.
MAURICE I didn’t know what I was doing.
TATTY I’m sure you’re right. You didn’t know. Yes.
MAURICE I was taken up with thoughts about my father. I was taken up.
TATTY Yes. You had things on your mind. You were all over the place. I don’t care.
MAURICE What?
TATTY I don’t care if you suffer. I don’t care how much you suffer. It is possible, for example, that you are considering taking your life. Take it. I will not stop you. I will not advise you. To me you are dead now. I am dead to you.
MAURICE I think about what it is for you.
TATTY There is no evidence of this. You walk right by. You dismiss me. I am a nuisance. It’s clear. You think about your father. I think about mine. We’re on our own.
MAURICE If only I could undo what I have done.
TATTY Yes.
SHIFT 2
ROGER Would anyone like some more pudding?
MAURICE I haven’t had the first lot.
SILVIA You should rephrase, Roger.
ROGER There is pudding. I’m sure of it .
MAURICE What about firsts?
TATTY Just desserts, Maurice.
ROGER I thought there were firsts. I thought we had moved to afters.
SILVIA There have been no meals through here for some time.
ROGER What was I thinking?
MAURICE You’d like something sweet.
TATTY I would like something filling.
SILVIA I’m afraid this isn’t a restaurant.
MAURICE Are you saying that where you would expect service there is no service?
ROGER I’m sure your mother has no quibble with the way of the world.
MAURICE Mother, are you getting all that you need?
ROGER Your mother has no need for need.
TATTY Are you replete, Mrs King?
SILVIA To the extent that I do not wish to replete myself, yes.
ROGER That’s nice.
SHIFT 3
ROGER How are you?
SILVIA Very well, thank you.
ROGER Oh.
SILVIA I have a slight problem with my ways of seeing. When I get up in the mornings I find that I am physically blind.
ROGER This is not figurative…?
SILVIA It is very much the optical system shutting down as if the eyes were shut.
ROGER Perhaps…so close to having been asleep that night…then bounding from our bed…then…
SILVIA No.
ROGER Not that.
SILVIA With eyes wide open…
ROGER I’m sorry. I’m sorry to interrupt. But…possibly still dreaming. A dream in which the person – you – thinks they are blind.
SILVIA No. Not thinking that. Not dreaming it. Banging into things. Feeling my way around. Feeling around with the hands in order to know where you are.
ROGER But then…after a while…
SILVIA Shaking my head. Screaming…
ROGER I didn’t hear you. I never knew.
SILVIA Sometimes banging it.
ROGER The head?
SILVIA Against the wall. Screaming.
ROGER As if to dislodge…to shake free.
SILVIA Does the trick. So far.
ROGER Let me ask you… is there any particular reason, do you think?
SHIFT 4
TATTY Am I la-de-dah?
MAURICE Lardy dardy.
TATTY Am I?
MAURICE High falutin.
TATTY Me.
MAURICE Maybe.
TATTY Maybe? Is it hard?
MAURICE It is.
TATTY Does it take one to know one?
MAURICE I’m sure you’re right.
TATTY Is the house vacant at this moment in time?
MAURICE This crowded house.
TATTY How do you see it?
MAURICE I can see it in my mind’s eye.
SHIFT 5
ROGER You are a lovely looking woman. There’s no getting away from that.
SILVIA Have you always thought thus?
ROGER Yes. Since back in the day.
SILVIA You were slow off the blocks then.
ROGER I gave you looks.
SILVIA You brushed by me as if in a crowded train but in a roomy passageway.
ROGER I was cheeky like that.
SILVIA Anyone could have seen.
ROGER People see what they are used to seeing.
SILVIA Some acts are invisible, you’re saying.
ROGER There are many acts but most are spoken for. They have been seen before and do not need to be seen again.
SILVIA It was this daring of yours that caught my eye.
ROGER In addition to the looks.
SILVIA I imagined you hotly in my pants.
ROGER I had you sitting on it in my head.
SILVIA This is your cheekiness, of course.
SHIFT 6
ROGER Given there is no pudding, we should go to the zoo.
TATTY Are there lions?
MAURICE Very sadly no.
SILVIA Perhaps there are new ones. I keep reading about new ones.
ROGER So much is not known. That’s why.
TATTY Are they under rocks?
MAURICE They are often under rocks but a stone’s throw from the enquiry.
SILVIA I was more thinking larger.
ROGER Four legged stuff.
MAURICE Or less.
ROGER Not a lot less. They’d fall over.
TATTY Do we know biology?
SILVIA Well, we’re not holding back.
ROGER Species. Genuses. Genii, possibly.
MAURICE Types. Between which it is possible to tell the difference.
TATTY Fur no fur. Beak no beak. Claw no claw. Adder. Constrictor.
SILVIA I was thinking more a shy night-time distant relative of a household name.
ROGER The okapi. A cousin of the elephant.
MAURICE The okapi is known. It is retiring but it has been recorded.
ROGER Or some such.
TATTY The okapi whose father was an elephant.
MAURICE No. The brother of whose father.
SILVIA To satisfy the turn of phrase.
ROGER Were the relation uncular.
MAURICE What has been described is uncular. It is not cousinal.
TATTY Biology fair, genealogy weak.
SHIFT 7
SILVIA Well.
MAURICE Scarcely.
SILVIA Is it the shagging?
MAURICE I don’t think about the shagging.
SILVIA But it does take place.
MAURICE Yes. Now I know. Thank you.
SILVIA Is it that? The pounding?
MAURICE There’s nothing I can do about the pounding.
SILVIA I suppose not. It is rather moreish.
MAURICE I’d rather not…
SILVIA Once you get the feel of it, it just gets better.
MAURICE Yes. There’s also the killing, of course.
SILVIA Ah. You should have said. What would you like to say?
SHIFT 8
ROGER The struggle was brief. The job is done. Would you care to slip into your nighty?
SILVIA He wasn’t a bad man.
ROGER Too late now.
SILVIA We had good times.
ROGER Good by the standards of then. Nothing as to what will now be the case.
SILVIA I’m sure I can shrug it off.
ROGER Think about the shagging.
SILVIA God, yes! I’m shag crazy!
ROGER I too cannot wait to pile it in.
SILVIA You look a bit like him.
ROGER Genetic.
SILVIA Very similar. The profile. Maurice has the same.
ROGER You’re not going to be thinking about him when we’re on the job.
SILVIA Maurice?
ROGER My dead brother.
SILVIA Of course not.
ROGER We’ll do it in the manner of the dog. Then you won’t be looking at me.
SILVIA Always in that manner?
ROGER Up until you are satisfied with my distinctive delivery. At which point I can introduce a range of more exotic approaches, some of which I think you may find both novel and exciting. These will largely afford views of my face.
SHIFT 9
MAURICE Roger, I keep thinking of you in a bathing costume.
ROGER What sort?
MAURICE Nothing unusual. Not a thong.
ROGER I would never wear a thong.
MAURICE I’m not saying that what I imagine has any real-world accuracy. That would make me clairvoyant.
SILVIA Or something.
TATTY Endowed with fabric-piercing eye rays.
SILVIA The eyes receive light in the form of packets of photons. They do not produce or emit rays.
MAURICE What do we see when we look at another’s eye then?
SILVIA Photons fall upon it. Were they not to do so we would not see this eye.
TATTY Do they not glow?
SILVIA No. There is no glow from any eye.
TATTY Does not the force of a thought declare itself in the eye?
ROGER Quite possibly. The eye is something of a window but the views afforded may be misleading.
SHIFT 10
TATTY I’d like to leave.
ROGER Where are you going?
TATTY I haven’t done it yet.
ROGER Where will you go?
TATTY I shall go somewhere where I may be abandoned.
SILVIA Do you feel abandoned?
MAURICE Do you feel that you have been abandoned?
ROGER Do you feel that you would like a place in which you might act in an abandoned manner?
TATTY I do not wish to act. I wish to be.
SILVIA Do you feel that you would like others to abandon you?
MAURICE Do you feel that you have been abandoned by others?
ROGER Do you feel that you would like others to permit you to be abandoned?
TATTY I’m going now.
TATTY GOES (SHE WILL NOT LEAVE THE STAGE, HOWEVER. IN FACT, WHENEVER ANYONE LEAVES THEY WILL NOT LEAVE THE STAGE)
LONG PAUSE
MAURICE I miss her.
SILVIA Go after her.
MAURICE She could be anywhere by now.
SILVIA Let your intuitions guide you.
MAURICE I’m not hopeful.
MAURICE GOES.
LONG PAUSE
TATTY COMES BACK.
TATTY It wasn’t the right moment. It’s not that there’s not a right moment. There certainly is. I’ll find it.
PAUSE
ROGER Nice to have you back. It was quiet.
TATTY Where is Maurice? He who has spurned me.
SILVIA He has gone. He went after you.
TATTY He went after me?
ROGER He left after you left.
SILVIA He sought you.
TATTY I could have been anywhere.
SILVIA Were you?
TATTY Where? When?
ROGER Then.
TATTY I found somewhere. It wasn’t good.
SILVIA I think I may go somewhere.
ROGER Are you restless?
SILVIA I find it hard to rest.
ROGER Perhaps you need a corkingly effective shag.
SILVIA No.
SILVIA GOES
TATTY There are good places.
ROGER You need a guide.
TATTY No.
ROGER A guidebook. ‘The Good Place Guide’.
TATTY Where Mrs King gone? Where she gone?
ROGER Stretch a leg.
TATTY She be back.
ROGER Are you okay?
TATTY No.
PAUSE
MAURICE COMES BACK
MAURICE I looked for her. She wasn’t there.
ROGER Not in the places you looked. The places where she might have been will always significantly outweigh where she is.
TATTY Anyway. That’s academic now.
MAURICE I missed you.
TATTY I’m passing through.
MAURICE I liked the cold air where I was.
TATTY There you are.
MAURICE (TO ROGER) What of your wife my mother?
ROGER She is still adjusting to her loss.
TATTY Much like me.
MAURICE Much like me.
TATTY (TO ROGER) Would you ever leave?
ROGER I like to come and go.
MAURICE Would you do that?
ROGER Will I?
MAURICE May you?
ROGER It’s on the cards.
ROGER GOES. HE SITS NEXT TO SILVIA. HE STANDS UP AND TAKES OFF HIS OUTER CLOTHING. HE IS WEARING A THONG. HE SITS DOWN.
LONG PAUSE
SILVIA COMES BACK.
LONG PAUSE
TATTY GOES.
MAURICE GOES.
SILVIA GOES.
MAURICE COMES BACK.
MAURICE GOES.
MAURICE COMES BACK.
SILVIA COMES BACK.
I WOULD LIKE TO TRY THIS COMING AND GOING IN REHEARSAL IN ORDER TO SEE HOW MUCH IS BEARABLE.
THEN:
THE END

2010